I wasn’t able to cook dinner again. I told the helper to reheat half a gallon of the paksiw na lechon from the leftovers on Speedy’s birthday and that’s what we’ll have. I fell asleep in the middle of the afternoon. Dead tired. Because I have been out for two days this week to attend to some documents and talk to some people. Because despite the late hours I still have to wake up early in the morning to attend to the kids’ packed school lunches. Because after they leave for school I start working… Oh, because there’s just too much to do. Sam just walked away, complaining that she has to eat paksiw na lechon again.
Big dilemma. Career-wise, I can’t complain. In blogging and in mainstream media, I’m getting offers that I can only describe as very, very flattering. Dream jobs. Offers that most full-time bloggers would kill for. I have turned down some, I am mulling over others, I have accepted a few. Career-wise, things have never been this good.
The thing is, it’s beginning to scare me. Scared of making the wrong decisions and passing up on the things I ought to accept. Scared that, when I am old, I will look back with regret on opportunities that I passed up on. Scared that I’d tell myself, “What if…???” But, scared too that if I keep accepting, I’ll become one of those moms who don’t have enough time for their kids. I’m scared that my natural drive to push my limits will mean I’ll be less of a mother to them. And that would be a nightmare.
I don’t worry too much about Speedy. He’s happy that I’m finding professional fulfillment although I have long given up on a full-time career in law. It’s the kids I worry about. I often wonder if they are beginning to resent the longer and longer working hours. Because they are getting longer. More things to attend to and worry about, more people to communicate with, more deadlines to meet, more everything… I have requests from two big organizations for my written position on the Japan-Philippines Economic Partnership Agreement (JPEPA) and I’m not even halfway though with the reading. And now, there’s the anti-terror law to boot.
It’s not that the kids have said anything. Every time I make an announcement over dinner, the usual reaction is to recite a list of gadgets I should buy for them. Well, Sam especially — a list that seems to grow longer and longer every time. What they don’t realize is that not every opportunity is financially profitable. Some are gratis and I do them because of personal convictions and, in a lesser degree, because it goes with the territory of being an opinion writer both online and on print.
But, more than that, I do it because I enjoy it. I love to write. If I can’t write, if I can’t have an outlet for my thoughts, I’d probably just wither and die.
And I do want to find out what else is there beyond the writing. If I can hack it. If I can be good at it. If I can push the limits even more. Much of this is new territory — things I did not train for in school. Part of the curiosity is to find out just how necessary or useful formal education is.
Or, maybe, it’s just the way I am. I live for the thrill. I live for the adventure. I live for the challenge. Take that away and there will be a huge hollow spot inside of me.
Or, maybe, I’m just wasted right now and can’t think of anything funny to write about.