Most husbands want at least one son. You know, someone to carry on the family name. If women are forever looking for the fountain of youth, men want sons so they can feel immortal. It’s like trying to prolong one’s existence — not physically, of course, but for some twisted reason, most men think that as long as the family name survives, so will they.
When I was old enough to know that at some point in the future I would become a mother, I never doubted that I would have a daughter. Don’t ask me how I knew. I just did. I knew I would have a daughter and she would wear pretty clothes and people would gush over her as I smiled like the perfect stage mother.
It happened. Twice. Because I became the mother of two daughters. They wore pretty clothes like I knew they would. Sam turned people’s heads even as a toddler because she had this head full of thick jet black hair that women spend thousands for in shampoos, conditioners and all sorts of hair treatment with nothing much to show for except badly damaged hair. And when she talked, people listened because before she was two years old, she was talking in complex sentences and arguing. Yes, arguing.
Alex was a different story. She was very fair skinned with brown-reddish hair. Strangers might have found it hard to believe that Speedy was her father until they looked at her chin closely and all doubts were erased. The Veneracion chin. She was such a pretty child that a month before her second birthday, at a Christmas party of the Masons (my father-in-law was a Mason), someone’s young son followed her around, went down on his knees on the dance floor and kissed her feet repeatedly. The boy’s older brother decided that was cool, went after Sam, tried to kiss her feet and she kicked him. He never came near her again for the rest of the night.
We’re happy with our girls. We made a conscious decision that two were enough. There had been times though when I wondered if Speedy did not have regrets about not having a son. This is the Philippines, after all, and after two daughters, it was not uncommon to hear relatives and friends joke that we should take another shot at parenthood and maybe we would have a son next time. But Speedy does not think like that. He always says if it’s a matter of the “family name”, his oldest brother already has two sons to carry on the name and that was that.
Still, over the years, I would ask him occasionally if he ever thought about having another child. See, when I was pregnant with Alex, despite numerous ultrasound tests, we didn’t know if we were going to have a son or another daughter. Alex was so uncooperative during those ultrasound sessions so we prepared two sets of name — Mikhail Anton, or Mikki, if it was a boy; Arielle Alexandra, Alex for short, if it was a girl. Even years later, we would say the name “Mikki” with fondness — a sort of nostalgia for someone that never was. Because we had a name for a son, it was like “Mikki” was actually a child that had been born.
There were times when I had false alarms and Speedy and I wondered how Sam and Alex would accept another child in the family. Just in case, you know, we did talk to them because we wanted their honest feelings on the matter. During one of those “maybe pregnancies” when Sam was in the third or fourth grade and I was in the midst of reviving my legal career, we called them in for a serious talk. A very serious talk. They listened intently as we explained and, after a pause, Sam said with equal seriousness: “Okay lang kung baby sister, pero, pag baby brother, hay, naku, pagdating nyo galing sa office, may ribbon na sya sa buhok (A baby sister is okay but if it’s a baby brother, when you get home from the office, he’ll be wearing ribbons in his hair).” We got the picture.
These days, when we broach the subject of having another child, the standard answer is “Pusa na lang o aso (Let’s get another cat or dog instead).” Again, we get the picture.
If Speedy were the kind of man who won’t feel complete unless he had a son to carry on his name, our girls’ feelings about having a baby brother would be cause for serious worries. For me, especially, because I would be caught in the middle in trying to reconcile the wishes of both camps knowing that a compromise was next to impossible. I guess I’m lucky because Speedy is perfectly happy with being the father of two girls. As I am.
hi connie! this post made me come out in the open. hahaha!
i have a 3 year old daughter, abby, and before i even got pregnant, i was kinda hoping hubby and i will have a boy for a firstborn..you know, a “kuya” to look after the little sister or brother.
but when the ultrasound revealed we’re having a girl, i forgot right there and then that i was hoping for a boy. and when abby was finally born, it was love at first sight and i thought, “what was i thinking wishing for a boy?!” hahaha!
if and when we decide to have another baby, it won’t be because we want to have a boy the next time around…but because we simply want to have another baby, period. somehow, moving to another country some six months ago set us free from the perenial question of when are we going to have another baby. whew!
have a great weekend!
I like this post, especially since I have 2 girls myself, and really, really happy with them. So much that I actually find it offensive when people say we should try again for a boy — as if not having a boy would render us incomplete.
My husband doesn’t really care. Kids are blessings, we think, and it is upon us to give them the best that we could. Let them have a life without unnecessary pressures. E pano kung me lalaki nga, bakla naman?
Weng, LOL I know what you mean by “love at first sight”. HAHAHA I know! I know!
mommy m, now that you mention gays… I can’t imagine what it must be like for a gay man to feel the pressure of having to procreate to carry on the family name. I mean, imagine if he gave in to the pressure just to meet parental expectations, then what? What happens to the wife when he decides to be openly gay? What happens to the child when the marriage breaks up and there’s bad blood between mother and father? This “must have a son” mentality is really ridiculous.
Ay, look naman how Alex posed in the second pic! What poise!
Speedy is a father of this age, that’s why being father to two girls is okay with him na. This modern age is very much unlike the time of our fathers and mothers when men regarded having a son as measure for their machoness – and that not having a son with the legal wife somewhat “justified” him to sire one with another woman. What a shame.
That was her signature pose until she was about 4 years old hehehehe
I know a lot of men from my father’s generation who did that — they had sons with their mistresses. The funny thing is most of the wives accepted their “fate” as though they were at fault.
my husband and i never really cared about the gender of the baby i was carrying. honestly. he is also not the type who wants a “junior” like speedy. in truth, it was my dad who was openly hoping for a boy. after having 5 girls for daughters, he wanted a boy apo. eh mukha talagang malakas ang sumpa ng “de guzman all-girl policy”. ayun, pati mga apo ngayon puro babae.
now when i ask my kids whether they want another baby, they ask for a girl. me, ayoko ng magkaanak!! utang na loob, di na kaya ng powers ko!!
ps
sarap kurutin ng mga anak mo!! pakagat nga!
Kongkong, actually, I find it soooo baduy to attach “Junior” to anyone’s name. Para talagang extension lang. It would be interesting if someone made a study on the effect on the child — if it affects the sense of individuality.
Re my girls: hahahhahaha dati “nilalalamutak” namin; ngayon nananapak na hahahahahaha
I would not lie if I said I didn’t care about having a son. Sa branch ng family namin ako na lang ang natitirang lalaki, except for an illegitimate cousin sired by a philandering uncle who isn’t carrying our name.
So the pressure has been on me for some time. Lagi kaming tinatanong kung may kasunod na si CJ (did you read that post of mine? Hehe).
Anyway, my wife and I talked about it once and I said that while gender wouldn’t be important, I wanted CJ to have at least one sibling. Ayaw ko naman na maging only child siya.
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As for “junior”, hehe, my “Jon” comes from my “junior” (which is inaccurate because, if you really follow the rules from the lines of succession, my father should have been Jacinto II and I, Jacinto III).
Ironically many of my father’s frustrations root from the fact that I am so unlike him and we differ and disagree in very, very many ways.
About the only thing I got from him was my height, built and the beer belly.
So much for being an “extension”.
My father’s cousins have things worse. All of them were named “Claro” after their father. Unfortunately Claro Sr. and Claro Jr. decided to go into drugs and became notorious personalities.
Claro III and Claro IV always had to go through a lot of hoops to get NBI clearances, something that was bad because they were working as photojournalists (one for AP, the other for Reuters) and had to leave the country often.
I too have girls. Both are in preschool. Ayaw daw nila ng baby brother. Ang gustong gusto nila magkaron e KUYA. To the point that they even stack building blocks as high as 4-5 feet and call it KUYA.
Inangkupo, baka sa kaka wish nila e bigla na lang may kumatok sa bahay naming “KUYA” nila.
sorry na lang kay Speedy ha, pero Sam and Alex looks just like Mommy Connie.
it’s really quite offensive how people react when they find out na you don’t have a son… i can very much relate your post to my current situation.. naku, if you could just hear some of the comments my in-laws make when they see families with daughters lang… ang hirap pakinggan dahil i also have a daughter.. even if they don’t directly meant the comment to my situation..
by the way.. filipino-chinese kami so sobra pressure! kaya nga eventhough 5yrs old na daughter ko, reluctant ako sundan.. sa parents ko walang problem kahit galing china pa dad ko, since 3girls and 1boy naman kami.. pero sa in-laws ko mahirap! 3boys and 1 girl naman kasi sa kanila…=)
when will these people appreciate that children are a gift from God… as if naman kontrolado natin kung anong gender ang kalalabasan!=)
eilyn, some old folks even give this advice: if you sleep on your left side after sex, you’ll have a daughter; if you sleep on your right side, a son. BWAHAHAHA
What adorable little girls! I like the photos that go with the post.