(My op-ed column today in Manila Standard Today)
A couple of weeks ago, my batch in the U.P. College of Law sponsored the special screening of “Biyaheng Lupa.” The screening was at 8.00 p.m., I was scheduled to arrive from Singapore at 9.15 p.m., obviously too late to attend. Because the film screening was a fund-raising project, I was more than willing to pay for my share of the tickets despite not being able to go. However, my younger daughter, Alex, a movie buff who intends to take a Film course in college had other ideas. She would go with three friends.
So, Alex and her friends went to the screening. Unfortunately, the person with whom they planned to ride home with did not show up and they had to commute all the way from Quezon City to Antipolo.
Later that night, I asked Alex whom she met, she told me her Ninang Laly was there and also “mga lalaki na wala nang buhok” (bald, balding) who, she said, asked why I was allowing her to commute at that hour. My first reaction was it was none of their business.
When photos of the activity were e-mailed to me a few days later, I checked who the “mga lalaki na wala nang buhok” were and I told myself I shouldn’t attach any malice to the comment about why allow Alex to commute. The male classmates she mentioned were nice guys and the comment was probably uttered more out of concern rather than as a criticism.
It’s been weeks since the movie screening and I have had time to dissect and re-dissect the comment of the “mga lalaki na wala nang buhok”. No malice there definitely. I take no offense. But I still wanted to understand. And I realized what it was – a generation thing and a mixture of misplaced chivalry, chauvinism and feudalism. What do I mean?
If photos were allowed in an op-ed column, this piece would be published with a photo of Alex so you’d understand. A mother’s bias aside, she’s pretty and she’s all-girl. She’s very fair skinned, small-boned, soft-spoken (except when she’s angry) and she has long flowing hair that is the same color as cornsilk hair. At 15, she wears no make-up, prefers T-shirts, blue jeans and Chucks. In short, she looks frail and unsophisticated and guileless. Ergo, she elicits the kind of reaction that makes boys want to protect her.
But stupid, defenseless and helpless my daughter is not. And the “protection” of a “stronger” male is the last thing she’d clamor.
The thing is, the debate about how much protective we ought to be with our two girls vis a vis how much freedom they should be allowed has been a serious debate in our household for years. My husband grew up in a very traditional family and, when the girls were around 10 and 11, he was of the persuasion that his daughters should not be allowed to commute.
I agreed that he was right. For safety reasons (the peace and order situation ain’t exactly a fairy tale these days) – up to a certain point. And I say point and not age. One day, they would be ready and craving for more freedom and independence. And they should have both. To cut a long story short, one day it just happened. They just announced that they could commute. Truth be told, Alex, younger by a year and a half than Sam, learned earlier. I silently applauded. It was a good beginning.
My girls wouldn’t grow up to become silly little things. When the time came for Sam to go off to college and live away from us, I stayed with her for a night at the condo and then she was on her own. She would tell me later about a friend who eventually decided to commute everyday between Antipolo and U.P. Manila because she cried every night at the dorm. She just couldn’t bear to be cut off from her family’s apron strings. Poor her.
And much as I wanted to appreciate the concern of some parents to allow their daughters to go out only if there is a family member or trusted driver to take them to and from their engagements, there is that thought the the deep-rooted intention is based on very feudal customs. It’s like Maria Clara who must be guarded all the time lest her chaste reputation becomes sullied.
That reeks of something awfully foul. First, there is the presumption that unless guarded, nice girls would go wild. Meaning, they shouldn’t be trusted. Second, there is that maddening thought that a girl’s “value” is proportional to an image that must be upheld at all times – an image of being protected and pampered, as though a girl who is isn’t properly chauffeured to parties and social affairs belongs to a low class and, therefore, unworthy. And, yes, I am talking about that thing that total snoots simply refuse to acknowledge and much less utter – the marriage market. It’s a social class thing, really, and total horse shit.
If we were of the opinion that daughters ought to be raised to project a certain image so that they would have an advantage in the marriage market (a.k.a. snag a rich husband), we really should send them to some finishing school where they will learn how to walk, talk, put on make-up and develop a fashion sense. Never mind that they’ve got brains. Never mind that they can be productive members of humanity. Let’s just mold them into ornaments that could be some rich guys’ trophy wives.
What a total waste. If that’s a curse that other parents want to inflict on their daughters, that’s their funeral. We think differently.
ever since i became a mom myself, i marvel everyday at how lenient my own mother was pala with me (even though growing up i always thought she was so strict). at 12, i was already allowed to ride the jeep with friends, go out with my barkada, and sleep over at friends’ houses. i commuted a lot when i was in college and even when i was already working, out of necessity. pero ok lang, it was never a big deal. i appreciate now that she allowed me to go by myself on out-of-town trips, go abroad alone, make many kinds of friends, and taste different experiences. it really broadens your horizon and your perspective of things. some of my friends who are old cows already like me still don’t know how to say ‘para’ and would never dare set foot in divisoria. i myself don’t want my daughters to grow up spoiled rotten sheltered brats, but it’s quite hard to balance ‘letting go’ with protecting them against the many harmful elements in society (and these days, palala nang palala talaga everytime you watch the news).
I used to commute from Bulacan to Manila and back when I was in college. I even get to go home at around 3 am in the morning when I started my practicum that requires hours of work. But I can say that I am fine, I brave the outside world where my parents cannot protect me when I am on my own. Parents like us can give the much needed protection and advice when our kids our out there. Survival tips will be a good article Ms. Connie.
Connie,I admire your parenting skills.Providing a sense of independence in children
coupled with guidance builds trust,develop decision-making and judgment and help them grow to be their own “self.”
When I was in 2nd year college,I had a wealthy classmate with a personal driver.
One day she confided that she hadn’t ridden a bus nor a jeep,so unbeknownst to her
chauffeur we took a bus ride from UST to our home in Makati. She said it was one
of the happiest days of her life.That would be the last because I learned later that she’s
a general’s daughter.
Still,that didn’t deter me from yet inviting another classmate by taking a bus home.
We were seated comfortably, she by the window and non-stop chit-chatting but
when the bus stopped her pretty gold bracelet was snatched from her left arm
and caught us in surprise and utter disgust. Forty one years later it’s still a popular story
in our class reunion.
Life lessons learned from one’s experiences is what makes life more colorful.
How about men? They have different opinions,views and style in handling children’s
independence.Up to now I can’t seem to understand and I’m married to one for
34 yrs. Ayyy naman.
Alex and Sam will profusely thank you in the years to come for being a mother like you.
Someone e-mailed a comment and he says, “Great to read a commentary such as yours, your way of raising your kids is a rarity among the class conscious Filipinos!”
Class conscious Filipinos. I think he got the term right. Perfectly right.
your girl’s are so lucky to have a mom like you who is truly concerned for their individuality and not just of what they kind of persona they project to the outside world. Even though I am already a working girl, my father always “simangot” when he learns that I will be commuting somewhere far and that my boyfriend won’t even “hatid sundo” me. As if the sole role of a boyfriend is to be a driver!
I always make it a point to show them that I am an independent woman and that in this day and age, Maria Claras are out of style.
I have a sister who at 17 is already very independent, just like me when I was her age. I am also of the belief that women must know what she can do.
Thanks for this very nice column Ms Connie. I also know girls who have never in their life rode a bus, and are being raised to be trophy wives. Pero sadly, they don’t seem to mind
When they grow up NOT KNOWING what they’re missing, they really don’t mind at all.
Ah, that all-too common predicament of finding the balance between giving offspring independence and keeping them safe. I had classmates in high school and law school who never experienced commuting. Nowadays, with the worsening traffic and all the risks it entails, I also ask myself if I will be willing to let my own daughters go through this. Paranoid mother that I am, I still believe that they are better off experiencing inconveniences. Mas nakakaawa ang mga babaeng “damsels in distress.”
I remember my dad’s reaction to a weeping me who had to walk for hours in flooded Buendia when I was just starting to work here, “pinili mo yan, so kayanin mo.” So far, kaya naman. hehe.
Exactly what we say to Sam when she whines about the inconveniences of staying in a dorm (boring, no food, no TV, etc etc) — she chose to study at CSB, she has to live with the consequences of her choice. Can’t have everything.
I learned to commute to school at age 10 (that’s 2 jeepney rides and 1 tricycle ride with 2 tawids across Mabini Street and 10th Ave in Caloocan x 2) and it was a very exhilirating experience. feeling ko nag mature ako ng ilang years. just like when I started to drive.
pero when i had my 2 girls, ewan ko, parang hihimatayin ako pag ini imagine kong tumatawid na sila sa kalye, riding a jeep or even driving a car in the future. basta i became paranoid when i had kids.
i hope the feeling goes away 10 or so years from now…
A. Mabini Street in Caloocan? I grew up there.
Re “exhilirating experience”
It’s spreading one’s wings. Trying to do on your own thing that you once needed your parents to do for you or with you. I think everyone deserves that. If you feel paranoid about your kids, blame media. Watching the news makes us feel that nothing good ever happens out there.
My mom thought everything could happen to me when I was a teenager, so she never let anything happen to me. And so nothing did happen to me. It was a very lonely set of teenage years and it would take me years to be comfortable in social situations once I was out on my own.
Now that I’m a Mom myself I can sorta see what was driving her, though I still don’t agree with her methods and I certainly am not planning to do the same with Mina when she’s older. Just how much freedom will she be allowed, is something that W and I discuss even now. Teenage pregnancy, STDs, drugs are no light matter. I guess we’ll figure it out along the way because apparently, there’s no manual. I Googled it and everything.
Right, no manual and no real teachers because every child is unique. But as a parent, you just know when your child is ready. Unless… Well, unless you don’t pay attention and never notice the signs.
I totally share your views on allowing the kids to commute on their own. My daughter, now 16, was 12 when she learned how to commute from our house at Morato Ave to her school at Commonwealth Ave. She became more conscious of the streets and landmarks. Next was our son’s turn, just before turning 12, we also allowed him to commute on his own (but my heart was bleeding because he’s my baby! Pero naka-recover na ako!). Now they’re both confident whenever they have to leave the house ahead of us, and I’m mighty proud of them … gotta give our kids some space and build their backbone, after all, we won’t be here forever! Love this article, Ms. Connie!
It’s like a child’s first day at school. Syempre, any parent will experience separation anxiety. But it passes.
When Sam went to live in a condo, then moved to a dorm, my goodness, there were nights when I’d sit on her bed and embrace her teddy bear (named Tiddy Ber). You know, imagining it’s her that I’m holding. Shucks, she’s gonna barf when she reads this comment LOL
We are fortunate to live in a street with a lot of kids that are the same age as my kids (I have a 9-y.o. son and 7-y.o. daughter). They ride their bicycles, scooters, and skateboards outside and run around and play hide and seek. But they are getting older and bolder and the mobility their bikes and scooters afford them means they can actually duck around an entire block and be back in between the times you pop your head out the door to check on them.
But then what can you do? All the other kids do it and you think, how else will they learn a bit of street smarts unless they actually themselves play on the streets?! The best we could do is just to keep reminding them of basic safety measures — always look before crossing streets, don’t talk to or take food from strangers, stick with your friends and don’t wander off alone, etc.
Looking back, I used to do scarier things as a nine-year-old. And my folks would be ok with me being out of sight all day as long as I came home in time for meals and before dark. These are obviously scarier times, but are they times that are necessarily less safe or less secure than those of our own youth?
Cornsilk hair? Cornsilk is yellow
Are you surprised at the feudal attitude? After reading about the Ampatuan clan and their ilk, it sounds like this country is divided into feudal fiefdoms (either that or Mafia/gang territories)!
Not really yellow but more like a cross between reddish gold and brown. Looks dark indoors, lighter outdoors. And it’s her natural hair color. Along with fair skin, a prized asset in this very feudal culture — what men like to think as beauty.
I had classmates who started commuting to and from school on their own when we were in third grade. It was hard for me to grasp in the beginning. but it wasn’t because I led a pampered life – I lived near school so it was always convenient for my dad to take me to school, and easy for him to pick me up during his lunch break. Then he encouraged me to commute on my own too (i think) – to visit friends and classmates. There is value in that.
Hindi talaga ako marunong mag-commute mag-isa nun. My classmates had to flag the jeep down for me for the short ride from Cubao to Trinity kasi baka mamali ako. And I’d feel nervous the whole time if it was after 5pm – because it was dark already!
It paid off though. First day of school, freshman year at Diliman, I had no problems with the commute. And was even proud kasi I had classmate/s who’d never been on a jeepney!