A long time ago, when I was very young, there was this movie that starred Tuesday Weld. She was accused of some crime and was on trial. Now, the character was a flamboyant one. Big hair, lots of make-up, cigarettes and very outspoken. Problem was, she lived in a very conservative community. Her lawyer was adamant that she change the way she looked in order to win public sympathy so that she could get a fair trial. She refused.
I asked my father why the personality makeover was necessary. Not in those terms, of course, but something to that effect. I don’t remember what his answer had been but I remember asking. What in the world had her looks and mannerisms have to do with whether or not she did what she was accused of? It was a question that would get stuck in my mind long after I became an adult as I came across real-life situations where people were judged based on perception — some, downright arbitrary. The worst kind was when an entire group gangs up on a person simply because he does not conform with their own rules and expectations.
I have dealt with all sorts of bitches and bastards in my professional life, some in sheep’s clothing. I know how vicious people can be and I have tried, still try, to prepare my own children for this convoluted reality in the hope that when they are adults, they will know how to deal with those kinds of people. The sad thing is that even as children, they are not exempt from this reality. Do I expect them to deal with such situations themselves?
Dine wrote in her blog:
Let me talk in the point of view of a parent. If my son is being doubted, let alone attacked, immediately I will see RED. More so, if in my heart of hearts, I know that the accusations they are hurling my son are baseless. Oh, boy, will I prove to them that they are wrong–point by point I will throw their glaring mistakes right into their faces. I will not even practice my ever favorite mantra of patience–counting 1…2…3……10. I have to defend my son. I will defend my son, FAST!
It’s the natural reaction of any parent, especially a mother. The question is whether defense is enough.
When my kids are having petty differences with classmates — with kids their age — I stay out of it. I let them sort it out because I want them to learn to be strong on their own. I let them deal with such situations UNLESS physical harm has been inflicted or unless the school neglects its responsibilities. But if adults attack my kids, in any way, even in the guise of protecting them, there will be no IFs. I won’t be on the defensive. I’d attack the attackers and let spill their blood. In short, offense is the better way to go.
Why? First, because the situation is lop-sided. Adult versus child. It would do well for an adult to find someone his own size and age but we all know that some people only dare to pick on those they perceive to be weaker or inferior. Second, why defend if there is no misdeed? You can spend a lifetime defending what you are and never win. It’s a fact. People are judgmental and most are arbitrarily judgmental. And the stronger you are, the more they want to break you. So, why defend? Why not point out the hypocrisy and the stupidity instead? Why not attack the real problem instead of getting cornered? Innocence does not need defending. Suspicions do not spell guilt.
There are situations too when parents throw accusations at a child in order to attack the parents. You know, in the tradition of the sins of the father visiting the child. It’s not even always the case that the parents are guilty. People just love drawing conclusions and throwing accusations based on suspicions alone. That’s the stuff that showbiz talk shows — all those gossips, intrigues, insinuations and counter-insinuations — are made of. Whoever said that media culture does not affect people needs a reality check.
The biggest irony is that the most judgmental of people, and the noisiest of the lot, are those who fancy themselves to be some sort of moral guardians. It’s just too tempting to ask who the heck assigned the role to them.
Sigh. I have learned long ago that age and maturity do not always go together. Let me cite a real-life example.
My kids go to a school where special children are mainstreamed. They have a few classmates who are autistic, suffering from attention deficiency whatchamacallit, etcetera. In the old school they went to, there were no such children. So, it took time for my kids to adjust to having classmates who were not like them nor the majority of the other kids. But — and I gotta hand it to the school — a year or two later, my kids have learned not to treat these special children differently. They know that these kids are different, will probably be always different, but they have learned not to judge them. It’s really hard to explain. I wish I can describe my own kids’ journey towards losing the bias and pre-conceived notions about special children. But it happened.
In contrast, there is this mother whose kids (younger than mine) attend an exclusive Catholic school. Lately, the school implemented the same policy of accepting and mainstreaming special children. At a party, the mother was all over herself regaling us with the horrors of having “such children” in the same school as hers. Obviously, she was of the opinion that special children need segregation. It wasn’t even because any of those kids attacked her or one of her own, nor do they present any real physical threat. No, she just didn’t want them anywhere near her kids, period. Her solution was to intimidate those children whenever she met any one of them. Nothing verbal; just body language.
If it were my child, what would I do? Would I keep making excuses, plead for sympathy and understanding because he is different from the rest? Or would I attack the narrow-mindedness and hypocrisy of any parent passing judgment on my child and treating him as though he had less right to learn and grow as a person? In other words, why would I need to defend my child when the proper thing is for me to make the accusations and let the parent defend her own hypocrisy.
But then, of course, that’s just me.
Some great comments on Dine’s post too.
Been reading blogs to buy time while waiting for this baby to come. (I’m finally getting induced tomorrow.) I discussed this with Woody, because it’s such food for thought. He raised out a lot of the same points you did without knowing your opinion.
So you’ll either really get along well if you met each other, or you’ll butt heads because you’re too alike. LOL.
Heeyyy, Pinayhekmi, so tomorrow’s the big day! You take care. Can’t really say have fun ’cause delivering ain’t fun LOL. Ah but when you see your baby, it’ll be indescribable. Ah, just some kind of wonderful. And hi to Woody. And congratulations to you both.
wow.. this topic has been up for discussion by me and my husband. deciding whether it is time for Joshwa to be mainstream and open himself to bullying or just letting him stay in the Special Ed school where he is now. we decided to let him stay in the Special Ed school for now until we can be sure that he is ready for the move but thanks for your input it made me really think that we made the right choice.
Connie, something related to this post happened to my daughter last month. The landlady misjudged her and her flatmates as abusive of the maid.
Her accusation came about when daughter’s flatmate flushed tissue in the toilet bowl, not knowing it would cause clogging, because that is the way they do it back home, the toilet in their house being equipped with a powerful flushing system.
So as a result, the maid had to clean the mess. And the landlady called me, saying something like: “Kung ganyan ang pagtrato ng mga bata sa katulong, kung abuso sila at gawing parang slave ang katulong – kahit sino naman ay susuko rin.”
Gosh, nagdilim ang paningin ko talaga! And the landlady got a good tongue lashing from me. I did not give her a chance at all to butt in. How dare she – judging my daughter as abusive, along with her friends!
I said: “These kids, Miss M, are raised well. I know these kids and their parents and families. I know my daughter to be a respectful girl. My daughter even calls our maid Ate, and talks with her with po and opo as sign of respect! You have no right at all to brand her and her friends as abusive kids.”
Naku, just writing this comment makes me fume again! *#@!*#
Buti na lang, na-realize niya ang kanyang mistake, (siguro dahil hindi ko pa naibibigay ang hinihingi niyang post dated checks – for the whole year, take note!), kaya nag-apologize din.
Sorry, Connie, got carried away. This is a very, very nice entry. Thanks.
and looks can be very deceiving too. I’ve met this guy who is accused of raping his ten year old cousin, his 7 year old sister and get this, his 70 year old grandmother. and if you look at the guy, he looks very meek, as if he could not even kick a dog
Right to the truth of the matter. The Earth’s Children series by Jean Auel illustrates this situation better than most, I believe. Then again I have a limited fiction collection.
I myself took a journey of more than 3 years to lose my bias. Not to mention a lot of pain and growing up with some hard-to-mention experiences along the way. But now I can say I can accept anything and anyone as they are. No bias. No judgements. No preconceptions.
I’ve even trained my kids not to gain the same biases. In all fairness they don’t need me to defend them, though. They do that themselves quite admirably. Even against adults.
To Pinayhekmi… hope everything goes well with you, the baby and Woody. By the way, is this your first?
leira, i hope he can go mainstream soon. sam has a classmate, naku, the improvement (in terms of social skills) after 2 years is just tremendous.
rhodora, di ba nakakapikon? parang, sino ka para mag-judge? sana, inipit mo nang matagal yung post dated checks hehehehe
honey, may client ako noon, kala mo anghel, swindler pala. sus…
The Mentat, I’m taking note of the titles… there was another in the other entry…
I wrote a column sometime ago about defending myself against a classmate’s bruha na nanay back in grade school. it’s in the other blog. anyway, pinoy culture is such that if a child answers back, he’s bound to be called bastos, walang modo, etcetera. Truth is, the adjectives are more apt for some adults rather than kids.
I actually train my kids to question conventional wisdom. Especially if there’s no particularly good reason for such.
The school I attended from Preschool to High School had the same stand on “special kids” that Hedcen has. The founder always believed that integrating these kids was the best way to prepare them for “real life”. I grew up with classmates who were “different” only in the physical sense. Admittedly, there was some ribbing and teasing but all in the spirit of good fun. Kasi pati kami inaasar din nila. Patas patas lang kami lahat.
Ay, Connie, I can relate to your children’s relationship with their classmates who have special needs. I enrolled my daughter too in a university’s grade school that accept these children. Why? I wanted her not only to understand how to deal with these children because I work with them but because I want her to be able to learn about people having different learning capabilities and behavior not conforming to what others think as “normal”. Diversity, that is the word that is always said about the US school system. And I say we have to know about it too since we have a diverse culture.
As for defending our children, a few months back, she had a classmate who was saying mean things to her. She told me about it and I told her what she can probably do. She also wrote about it in an essay and the teacher took some actions immediately. So there, I didn’t have to go to the teacher to complain because they were able to deal with the situation asap. Sometimes we have to make them fight their own fights but of course there are times when we have to defend them when the fight is unfair.
Thank you for this post about mainstreaming. And for the other mother? What moral values is she teaching her own children, judging and discriminating against these children? Hmph!
Napakasakit “Ate Connie” (patay na si kuya eddie eh hehehe).
Buhay ko yan noon maliit pa ako. Atakehen nila ako, inaatake ko rin sila! Lola at Lolo ko laging napapaaway dahil sa pagiging walang modo at walang respeto o galang ko raw sa mga nakakatanda sa akin na walang ibang gawin kundi lait-laitin at ipamukha sa akin ang pagiging puting kulay ko. Kabilin-bilinan ng lola at lolo ko: hangga’t hindi ikaw ang nag umpisa ng away, bagkus, inunahan ka lang… lumaban ka!!!
The Mentat, hay, my sentiments exactly.
Kongkong and Julie, I was thinking that schools that encourage the non-segregation of special kids are proof of progress in the way that special kids are regarded by society in general. A generation ago, they were treated as though they were “dangerous” because they were different. So ironic that it was they that had to suffer for the ignorance of the “normal” people. Of course, there are still ignorant people today but I’d like to think that we’re somehow moving forward.
Rosario, uy, long time! Kamusta na! Di lang ikaw may ganyang istorya. Sabi ng maraming nakatatanda ako daw eh bastos na bata hehehe And I feel proud hahahahah leche sila
I’m with you Connie. Its a parent’s natural instinct to defend his/her child when confronted. Even parents in the animal kingdom do the same. There are bear attacks here that were inflicted by mother bears trying to protect its young.
People can call me all sorts of things and even threaten me because I know that I am able to defend myself. But when people threaten my son, the claws and fangs are out. Game over man. I even filed a police report because someone from a Fil-West forum threaten my family. She didn’t do it ever again but the police report stays.
hi connie, i would do the same as you.
i’m a very mapagpasensiya person, i hardly induldge those who take advantage of me, either in a fist or wordfight. not worth the stress, i believe. pero my daughter is my life, i didn’t raise her just so other people can abuse her or put her down. tama nga ang sabi nila, once you become a mom, the protective instincts kick in. i am not afraid nor would i think twice about unleashing the gladiator in me it when my child’s involved.
i’ve been lurking, pasensiya na. pero but i’m out now, and i just have to say i’m a fan.
This part of your blog really caught my eye:
“The biggest irony is that the most judgmental of people, and the noisiest of the lot, are those who fancy themselves to be some sort of moral guardians. It’s just too tempting to ask who the heck assigned the role to them.”
These other bloggers, N, who has been a thorn on your side and her bff C, are THE perfect examples of those pharisees who were so eager to cast their stones. AS IF, they themselves are without sin. Well, i know for a fact that C has mastered the art of using her blogs as her means for humiliating her intended target publicly. Her quotations of the bible sends shivers to my skin especially since i know what a true psycopath this woman is. The truth is, every time she points that accusing finger at someone else’s sin, she is actually guilty of that same exact sin. Adultery? Inauthenticity? Theft? Lies? Manipulative scheming? Negativity? Divisiveness? If only she realizes once and for all that all she has done all along is project on others what she truly is inside. Tsk, tsk, how I wish someone like you can blog more about these modern pharisees and expose their true colors. Better yet, maybe victims like myself can put up our own blogs and publish these people’s own dirty laundry? Give them a dose of their own medicine? Maybe I’ll do just that!
Hi victimized by queen of the judgmental hypocrites:
Only the weak assimilate the character of another. So, if one is projecting and another is absorbing, well…
. . . yup, you’re quite right. More power to you and the strength of your voice! May everyone else empower themselves and let their voices be heard too. Loudly, I hope! Especially since these NEGATIVE-emitting people should eat dust!!! Yours and mine, haha!