This article was written in April and republished from the June-August issue of Code Red Magazine
Whenever I hear a mother say that her life revolves around serving her husband and children, I feel uncomfortable. My guts tell me that the mother is being OA or expressing a false and self-serving kind of martyrdom in order to impress others or she has absolutely no sense of self-worth. It makes better sense for a mother to say that her life revolves around serving her family because “family” necessarily includes her.
The mother is often referred to as the person who holds the family’s purse strings. While it may conjure an image of power and authority, it is actually just one big headache. You have a finite budget and who gets what, and the order by which they are given, is your problem. It was a common source of disagreements between my husband and me because we defined priorities differently.
The incessant arguments went on until, finally, we reached an impasse. Since we had separate sources of income anyway, we decided to split the expenses. That way, buying certain items — and when — was within the discretion of one person alone. Only major expenses needed mutual decisions. Neither one was deprived of authority nor unnecessarily burdened.
Food in the house is traditionally the mother’s domain. I have expensive and esoteric taste in food, which does not suit my husband’s budget. The kids have their own preferences. How do we manage? My husband and I have long ago divided the food-shopping chore. He buys the meat, fish and chicken; I buy the rest — from cereals to dressings to condiments to seasonings. The kids give each of us a list of what they want and, budget permitting, we oblige.
Moreover, who cooks determines what we’d have for breakfast, lunch or dinner. I cook during the weekdays, so I decide. My husband cooks on Sundays and he decides. During the summer break, the girls each cooked two dinners every week and they decided what to cook. I only made suggestions when asked.
Kids deciding what the family should eat? Why not? But how much freedom should they have in making decisions that affect the family in such a way that they handle freedom responsibly? For me, it all begins with recognizing and respecting the individuality of every member of the family. Put another way, it is about re-assessing the meaning of “discipline” and “parental authority” and applying them even in ordinary everyday situations.
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Parenthood is definitely not about power or rights. It is about privilege. The privilege to bring kids into the world and see them grow up to be better persons than ourselves.
I’ve always dealt with my kids with a warrior’s state of mind. If you’ve studied the martial arts, you’d understand. You go into something with the kids with a blank mind. A mind free of preconceptions, assumptions and expectations. Ready to go anywhere the energy takes you. The results almost always surprises me.
When I was on my housebanding stint, my kids used to love lunch hour on weekdays. Those were lunches without my wife around as she was at work. My kids turned lunch time into their philosophical free-for-all no-holds-barred question and answer forum because they know I answer each and every question they throw at me. Yes, including sex. (This is my fault, I let them watch The Clan of the Cave Bear with me)
Of all the questions they’ve asked me, there’s only one question I never ever had the answer for. hehehe…
Hear, hear. I will not add to your valid points.
Just wanted to say that those tips about sharing the cooking & taking turns in the restaurant of choice, is a really good tip! I suspect we’d need to do this @home in 1-2 years’ time.
re: “expressing a false and self-serving kind of martyrdom”
Reminds me of two women:
One was a former colleague and whenever we have to introduce ourselves she’d always mention she’s mum to a disabled child. I thought I was the only who noticed it but another whispered one time that it was weird to point it out like a badge.
Then there was this nurse in London (now in the US) who kept “complaining” about having to do so much overtime to ease their financial burden. Her husband keeps on moaning about her not staying at home as often & being addicted to OT pay. She will complain about doing the household after being tired @work. He will insist their house is a state because she’s not there. Admittedly there are a number of problems there & not all from her, but I always get the sense that she yammers about her “sacrifice” to make her look good and her husband inadequate.
The Mentat, I like the warrior’s state of mind reference. It’s fair to the kids not to treat them with pre-conceived notions and expectations.
Auee, allowing them to decide makes them understand better when the parents say they respect them (the kids) as persons. Otherwise, they’re just words, di ba?
Again agreed. Respecting the kids and making them choose for themselves, treating them as adults, make them self sufficient, independent and self assured. When those are fulfilled, responsibility and self reliance is assured.
Point in fact… I mentioned before my kids have their entrepreneurial ideas. They acted on it before informing me. Made me damn proud to be their daddy but I just had to lecture them about their pricing scheme. hehehe… they were charging an arm and a leg for their products!
You just can’t teach responsibility and self reliance, ‘no? But parents can help their kids develop both.
Re entrepreneural skills. That is new! Most daddies I know lecture their kids about raising prices. hehehe
Well, I wouldn’t have complained about their prices if they were reasonable. Imagine, I bought stickers for them at somewhere between P50 to P100 per sheet with each sheet having 20 to 30 stickers. Say a sheet of 30 at P100. They sell the stickers retail at P20 per sticker. That was waaay too much and I was afraid their classmates parents were going to complain so we settled on P10.
Then my eldest diversified into food. Lunch at school. He bugged his grandma (my mom, bless her heart) for a menu. My mom sells the lunch sets to my son for P20 per set, he sells it to his classmates at P40 to P50 per set. Worth it, of course, but I sometimes wonder about their pricing.
Even my sisters-in-law are shaking their heads in amazement because all 3 of them were never given any seed money to begin with. No allowances. Hehehe… Yet they’ve found a way to make money and even treat their aunt to games at TimeZone. ayayayay…
Ahhh LOL Maybe the reasoning that lower prices will bring in more loyal customers will work. You know, long time thinking.
But the lunch, well, you have to admit that the boy transports the food, does the actual marketing and selling. I don’t think anyone will complain at 40 to 50 per. That’s very reasonable especially pag masarap.
Ah, Father and Son comes to mind…
“…from the moment I could talk, I was ordered to listen…”
It is ironic that too many parents expect their children to listen to them without them listening to their children. They want their kids to be responsible but they don’t let the kids hold the reins. They want to have their cake and eat it too.
Of course it all backfires when the kid becomes an adult. Sometimes, they forget that you actually exist. Other times, they just wait for you to die off to receive their inheritance. Others take their inheritance long before you’re gone.
It takes a lot of effort to not make your child shut up. It takes a lot more effort to hear them out all the time. But the value of hearing them out (and having them be frank and honest with you) is valuable towards their teens and way beyond that.
Jon, re “It is ironic that too many parents expect their children to listen to them without them listening to their children.”
Prevalent in cultures where AGE is equated with wisdom and authority. As bitchy as it may sound, I have no respect for old people just because they are older. Respect is earned and old people shouldn’t be exempt.
Amen to “Respect is earned and old people shouldn’t be exempt.”
I am seen as a rebel in my clan mother side family. I have declared that I have nothing to say to a greedy uncle, my Lola even wants me to forgive him, I refuse to respect people just because they are old. I only give my respect to those who deserve it.
As for power, I had to assert my being “boss ” to my then toddler. She has a strong personality and leaving things up to her will create chaos when she grows up. When she asks me why she can’t be boss, I say that she can become a boss when she can take care of herself. She wants to change the rules(eating vegetables), I tell her she can have her own rules when she has her own house.
“Prevalent in cultures where AGE is equated with wisdom and authority. As bitchy as it may sound, I have no respect for old people just because they are older. Respect is earned and old people shouldn’t be exempt”
Reminds me of a scene in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows between Harry and the Minister for Magic (Scrimgeour), when he told Harry “It’s about time you learned to show some respect”. Harry answered back, “It’s about time you earn it”. A classic example.
I completely agree with you Connie. In today’s society, more often than not, we see old people who makes decisions only idiots could make, decisions which sometimes prompts younger ones to wander whether their actions are supposed to be honest mistake or they simply had an IQ of a squirrel and has lost any chances to advance intellectually.
Kids can taught us a lot of things, if only we’ll take time to listen.
I was looking for a contact link here to personally email you about the past post you made about carlo Ocab, but I couldn’t find one. So I’ll just leave a message here with my email address and withholding my website for anonimity. But you can freely email me and i would gladly tell you my site. I jsut dont want to be accused of meddling with the issue im not supposed to mind.
anyhow, I totally agree with what you said about the Father and son thing of the Carl Ocab.What really gets on my nerves are these elitists who are obviously jealous of the popularity of the father and son tandem.
for me, they are just using the “ethics” as an excuse for their envy. my 10 year old nephew is also a techy and believe it or not he knows how to use the youtube more than me. Bakit kaya big fuss sa kanila, dahil ba sila ang may karapatan na magsabi kung ano ang acceptable sa hindi?
congrats for your stand. like what the other blogger said in the comments area, I too am willing to be your pro-bono client LOL.
pardon me kung dito ako nagsulat, sarado na kasi comment area mo dun sa post na binasa ko eh.
Have a nice week.
I have always given my wife and children the first priority in budget expenditure. They are the reason why I work so hard all my life. They are my source of happiness (and occasional heartaches, of course!).
My wife is given the responsibility of deciding how the budget is to be dispensed and will discuss with me most of the important issues before a decision is made. But if she does make a decision without discussion with me, I will still support her all the way. I have every confidence that whatever decision she makes, it is for the best overall interest of the family.
This sort of evolved over the years and I am pretty comfortable with the way things are.
KK, oh, very young kids need to understand that parents do have a right to claim parental authority. The freedom they have a right to — the independence — the best way I can put it is for us parents to recognize their readiness in stages.
Ria, one more reason to love JK Rowling, eh? Her perception of human nature and the interrelationships among people vis a vis culture is just amazing.
Bayi, I think you hit the best word — confidence. If one trusts and respects the other spouse enough, I don’t see why the budget issue should be a problem. My hubby and I have an additional perspective — the spouse who earned the money has the right to decide how it should be spent — of course, AFTER the basic things have been paid for and attended to.