Yesterday, we brought Alex to the dental clinic. She’s going to get braces and there were some preparatory tests to be done. Speedy went in with her while Sam and I waited outside. We bought fruit shakes, found an unoccupied bench and chatted.
We were observing the people that walked by. She noticed a child in a stroller, its hand hanging out on the side and in danger of getting hit by the stroller’s rear wheel, the father pushing the stroller quite oblivious to the situation. She smirked as a toddler screamed and shouted nearby, the parents encouraging him, and minced no words in saying how she hated kids running wild in public places oblivious to people they bumped onto (she said akala nung magulang cute yung ginagawa ng anak nila). She laughed about a young woman coming out of a hair salon flipping her hair as though everyone ought to notice and gape in awe. She told me things that happened when she was out malling with her friends. We talked about people we knew and how OA some mothers were… I told her what I thought about some of my friends — my adult friends — and the pretentiousness and superficiality of some people I knew. We gossiped and we confided.
Thirty minutes later, I was dying for a smoke. I asked her if she wanted to go out with me to the parking lot or if she wanted to stay, in which case, I would leave my camera bag with her. As I started to get up, she held my arm and pulled me down to my seat. “No,” she said, “let’s just talk.”
Sam is 14 — she’ll be 15 in August. How many teenage girls would say that? Of course, I stayed.
A friend told me once that when kids reach a certain age, they would start acting as though it isn’t cool to be seen in the company of their parents. They start talking their own language and they start growing away from their parents. I have no illusions that my kids tell me absolutely everything. Of course, they don’t. We all want to keep certain things to ourselves. It’s called privacy. But it’s another thing when kids don’t tell their parents anything anymore except inanities. That is a break down in communication. How does it happen?
A few years back, we were in the car and Sam was telling a story about something that happened in school. It wasn’t a pleasant story. In fact, she sounded like she was complaining and whining. Speedy reacted by giving a lecture — and I mean a long and convoluted lecture — and Sam just clammed up. Later, I discussed it with Speedy. I told him that Sam was talking to us, she was voicing out her frustrations and she needed for us to listen. She wasn’t asking us to judge her actions. If we lectured her every time she tried to say something, she’d stop telling us anything. And that would be a nightmare.
Not that Speedy alone had that attitude. I have a close friend whose husband reacts in much the same way towards their daughter. And she had to talk to him too.
I mean, look at it this way. If a friend tells you a story, would you react by giving him a lecture as to why he was wrong or why you would have done things another way? You wouldn’t because you consider him your peer. It’s like an adult-to-adult talk. Get lecture-y with a peer when he hasn’t asked for your advice or judgment and he would shun you. Or he would gossip about how hoity-toity you are. So, if one can respect a peer, why should children be entitled to less?
See, I think that one only tends to get lecture-y when talking to someone he considers a subordinate, an inferior — people whom one feels have no choice but to listen and accept criticism. I know, it sounds lousy. But that’s a common attitude among parents — to treat the child as someone, well… less — just because he is younger. As though the child always deserves to be told how to be better. You know, like, I’m the adult and I’ve lived longer and experienced life more so I know better. That kind of thing.
It sucks. And it’s a sure way to drive the kids away. It’s the seed of communication gap.
In my family, it’s not like things changed overnight. Sometimes, Speedy would still start ranting. But the girls KNOW that we’ve discussed it and their father is aware and trying. So, when he starts on a lecture, the girls will say, “Mommy, o, ayan na naman sya (there he goes again).” Speedy would check himself and… chuckle.
ganon yata talaga ang dads,they act the way they do because of this venus and mars thing
. my sisters and i are very close to our mom, we tell her (almost) everything about our lives, and youre right, it has a lot to do with us not being treated like inferiors. our dad also has the tendency to jump in and give solutions and/or lectures right away, so ayan, we prefer to talk with mama 
I didn’t know I’m capable of nagging & “sermons” until I got married. Truth be told I am trying my best to curb it. When I find myself doing it some times I can stop myself, others esp towards hubby I find it more difficult.
I know what you’re saying is true. I don’t want my kid/s to be distant from me. I don’t want him/them to think I’m judging them. My son is only 3 so I hope I am not too late & that I can change.
It is very touching when Sam told you to talk to her. Sus baka kung ako yun maiyak ako.
So true, Miss Sassy. My parents are good people but very old school and I always got sermons when I was younger (about how i shouldn’t have boyfriends yet, even crushes for god’s sake!). So i just stopped talking to them about almost anything, even if they tried to reach out first.
It’s just in the recent years that I started to establish a “warmer communication.”
It’s still not how i want it to be, but we’re getting there…
lol! Speedy sounds just like my husband when it comes to the girls. So it must be a dad thing, ha? You’re right though, I still remember growing up and couldn’t talk to my mom or dad about things that concerned me because I always knew I would get a lecture. Luckily, I had an aunt who listened like a friend and only advised when asked.
I hope my girls will always come to me or even their dad with their problems or just even talks about their life. We’re not quite into the teenage years yet, but I’m crossing my fingers and keeping my ears and mind open.
I think daddies tend to lecture, especially on daughters. Most of the time, my husband also reacts the same way as Speedy does.
I also have open communication with my kids, as in – two way communication. Sharing ba. I even told my daughter about my first love experience! Hehehe, Embarrassing, yes. But I did that to make her aware of the lesson I learned. I guess, if you confide with them, they too will confide with you.
It is unfortunate, though, that there are parents who believe they are “lowering” themselves to the level of children if they open up to them. Alam mo yung mentality na: “Anak lang kita, kaya wala kang karapatan”… To me that is old school thinking!
I agree with Karen, I think communication is generational so to speak. Me and my siblings are all 30 something but my parents still lecture us on what to and what not to. And to think that me and my kuya have our own families already.
And did you notice that when our parents say, “Mag-usap tayo”, they mean “Makinig ka at sundin mo ang sasabihin ko.”
Learning from my own experience and the original spirit of EDSA (the freedom thing), I now make it a point to really communicate with my kids who are aged 7 mos to 6 years old. It’s a joy to be able to understand the non-verbal, the bulol and the pre-school languages that they use.
the hardest part of all is when you think you’ve been treating your children fairly and suddenly, one comes up to you and says you have a favorite! Especially when she accuses that the only reason you like the activities of the other sibling is because you share the same interests and doesn’t care for hers. It happened to me and I was shocked when my daughter, after a lot of persuasion, read pilitan, told that to my face. Well, at least, nakapagsalita pa but the way I had to force it out of her meant baka hindi na siya komportableng makipag-usap. That was the time I realize I have to check myself all the time.
lady cess, you know, truth is, when i was growing up, it was just the reverse. it was my mother who had a penchant for lecturing. more than lecturing, actually — she had a tendency to moralise and preach.
auee, “Sus baka kung ako yun maiyak ako.”
Aba eh naiyak ako sa sinulat mo na yan.
karen, the term “old school” did come to mind too. i figured he was like that because that was how he was raised and he was merely emulating his own upbringing.
rhodora, actually, isn’t it more proper to say, “anak kita, and i hope you will be an improvement of me — be better than me.” i think that treatment characterized by “anak lang kita” is such a huge put down on kids.
tito rolly, happens to us too. sometimes, what is “fair” to us is “unfair” to them. dadalawa na nga anak namin, sometimes may tug-o’-war pa rin for attention.
but speedy would be relieved to read all of your comments — di lang pala sya hehehehe
hi Connie. well, i guess Speedy’s lecture-like attitude towards Sam and Alex must have something to do with the men’s nature of brain wiring.
i read in a book that there are up to 40 percent more of nerve bundles in women than men, which means that women are able to use both sides of the brain at the same time, whereas men have to switch from one side of the brain to the other, depending upon what they need.
this then explains why a woman’s brain was developed to express and verbalize (the very reason why we women love to talk) while a man’s brain was geared to develop his spatial skills (the very reason why throughout a man’s life he wants to do something about it)
You remind me of my Mother. She’s very encouraging when it comes to sharing stories. I’ve always been quite eager to tell her what goes on in my life and she’s been always very patient when listening to me. Minsan kahit na ata masyadong personal dati nakekwento ko. When I told her about my first kiss, siguro naiiyak-iyak na pala siya non, hehe. That’s great that you have created some sort of balance with your husband.
feng, so there’s a scientific explanation! i wonder if those nerve bundles are also responsible for career choices.
Toni, you told her that? I wish my mother had been more receptive. But she always had problems expressing her emotions (like she thinks crying is a sign of character weakness) so she didn’t inspire confidence. My brother and I conspired to do things behind her back hehehe
uy may point ka, sisterette. ang asawa ko may isang dyunakis na girlash. she’s almost 20 by july and the truth is, dumaan kaming magasawa sa butas ng karayom bago sya nag-give in to the idea na may bago nang asawa ang tatay nya and I matter. isang taon din yun na para syang nakikipagbuno sa amin sa pagiging pasaway bago sya nag-acquiesce na tanggap na nya ang situation. I couldn’t say that things are perfect now. but at least it’s better than before. we’re all still learning.
Wait till your kids turn 19/20. this is the age na feeling nila alam na nila lahat at pwede na silang mag-isa. pero in truth, bata pa sila talaga. But your view on how to deal with your kids is the same formula I and Jun use with our step/daughter. Mahirap nga ang puro pangaral. Minsan, le-level ka rin talaga kung gusto mong magsalita sila at magkwento. pero siempre may point pa rin na dapat alam nila, magulang nila ang kausap nila.
Good luck sa child-rearing years nyo pa ni Speedy. Di bale, I’m sure ok na ok pa rin ang ginagawa ninyo. Maayos pa naman ang mga bata, mababait pa rin sila – ibig sabihin nun, tama pa rin ang pagpapalaki nyo sa kanila.
i am a parent, in various stages (gone through the teenage years of 2, now dealing with 19, 17, 16 and 14 and a 10), and you could just imagine what kind of balancing act i am in now. different kid, different character. and yes, Connie, as much as possible, communication gaps, esp with their father, should be either be avoided, or if they already exist–explained and repaired (i am finding it difficult to find the right words).my secret is patience, i am ever ever patient in dealing with my kids (and their father-LOL)
it must be a guy thing. my husband is the same with our son. and with me too sometimes when i try to tell him some story. he ends up lecturing me that sometimes i have to tell him to just shut up and listen. hehe.. maybe it has to do with their upbringing. i’ve been lucky with my parents tho, esp my mum whom i was very close with. all tsismis we used to tell to each other. it makes me miss her more now that she’s gone.
ate sienna, one theory is that fathers are more strict with daughters (kaya ma-sermon) kasi takot ma-karma. As in baka gawin sa kanila yung mga kalokohang ginawa ng ama nung bata pa. Weird, really. Personally, I don’t believe in sins of the father visiting on the child.
smarie29, re “sometimes i have to tell him to just shut up and listen”
ooohh, i do that too hehehehe
sexy mom, naku, i had to retrieve your 3 comments from the Akismet filter. I think it’s filtering you because of your nickname hehehe
I think I know what you mean. You mean, like, you often have to act as a buffer between your hubby and the kids when they’re having communication problems, right? I go through the same thing sometimes. Less now than before. And I know that my mother-in-law went through the same thing.
I grew up without a father around, he was not physically there coz he had to work abroad for us. Kaya ang tendency mas closer kami sa mother ko. When he came home for good, I had easily adjusted with him pero mafi-feel mo pa din yung “hiya” that could lead to a “gap”. With me, it’s okay, I find ways to reach him out but not my brother. Until now I could feel the tension between them. (please read my old entry here : http://mitchteryosa.i.ph/blogs/mitchteryosa/2007/04/23/package/) I tried to sort it out but my brother wouldn’t give in. Sabi nya mag-aaway na naman lang daw sila. I don’t know but they always clash for simple reasons.