If having a baby were as easy as having a stork deliver a healthy, kicking and howling child at your doorstep, there wouldn’t be any occasion for pregnancy-related stress. But the stork is a myth and every mother knows that pregnancy and giving birth are no walk in the park. “Behind every baby is an unbelievable story” says Discovery Health Channel where Baby Week launches on June 12, with four episodes airing as follows: Twins By Surprise on Sunday, June 14; Little Parents, Big Pregnancy on Monday, June 15; Births Beyond Belief on Tuesday, June 16; and Obese & Pregnant on Wednesday, June 17. I couldn’t agree more. I gave birth twice and both stories are unbelievable from start to finish. Too unbelievable, in fact, that my husband gets nervous whenever I make jokes about having a third child.
A lot of women tend to romanticize motherhood. It’s probably an offshoot of the iconic Madonna and child image which seems to perpetuate the myth that giving birth is the epitome of womanhood and femininity. I was probably one of them in my younger years when my idea of motherhood revolved around having a daughter (the possibility of having sons never crossed my mind), teaching her, raising her, buying beautiful dresses and shoes…
My obsession with having a daughter was heightened when, at 24 and just a year out of law school, I fell ill. Never mind the details of the illness. Suffice to say that after four OBGYNs, a hematologist and an endocrinologist, no clear diagnosis could be made and I was advised, quite bluntly, to undergo hysterectomy to save my life. I refused and my father brought me to a fifth OBGYN. That man saved my life and my chance of becoming a mother. Instead of hysterectomy, I underwent myomectomy. I’d talk about doctors who make decisions based on guesswork but that’s an altogether different story.
Needless to say, when I got married a few years later, I dismissed my mother’s advise to wait a few years before having children. A month after the wedding, I was pregnant, and in my gut I knew it was a girl. Now, you have to understand the little superstitions that Filipinos are prone to. Most people in the office said if a woman looked gorgeous during pregnancy, she would have a girl. If she looked like a wreck, she’d have a son. The superstition was bolstered even more when a legal secretary who looked like a train wreck gave birth to twin sons. So, everyone took it as an affirmation and they were all so sure I’d have a daughter.
A few months later, a sonogram proved them right. I was happy as a lark. I was all psyched up to hold my daughter in my hands, read to her, play with her and teach her a thousand things but I was ill-prepared for the physical and psychological trauma that went with my pregnancy. It was a very difficult pregnancy. Physically and emotionally draining.
So as not to gross you out, I’ll just say that, on doctor’s orders, I was on “bed rest” for most of my pregnancy. It was 1992, the country was reeling from eight to sixteen-hour brownouts daily, and all I could do was lie in bed. The few hours in the afternoon that power was on, I watched the Olympic Games telecast.
I was on medication too to avoid miscarriage. And the threat of miscarriage lasted throughout the pregnancy. I was hospitalized three times and that excludes the last confinement when I gave birth. The medication was a part of me for so long that, to this day, I remember the name, Duvadilan – tablets when I was at home, IV drip during my various confinements. But, despite all that, I still didn’t manage to complete the usual nine-month period. After eight months of pregnancy, I gave birth to a girl, Samantha, via Caesarian section.
It’s fashionable these days to talk about pregnancy as a “we” experience. You know, when a couple is expecting a baby, they say “we’re pregnant” and “we’re going to give birth.” The involvement of the child’s father, emotionally and physically, is a wonderful thing. But, no matter how you slice it, pregnancy is a woman thing. No matter how involved a father is, he can only experience vicariously the slow changes that go through your body, the emotional and psychological impact of the physical changes, the body heat that seem indescribable and intolerable during a first pregnancy… I could go on and on.
Does it get better during subsequent pregnancies? Perhaps, for some. But me? I gave birth to our second daughter, Alexandra, again via Caesarian section after seven months of pregnancy. She was a puny four-pound baby who had to stay in the incubator for over a week because her lungs were underdeveloped and she couldn’t breath on her own. Can you imagine what it’s like to see your baby only through glass windows? Do you know what it’s like to see her crying and all you want to do is gather her in your arms but you can’t?
So, when I kid my husband about having a third child, he rarely finds it funny. And I don’t blame him, really. The great thing is that unlike most Filipino males, he doesn’t hanker for a son to carry on the family name. I can only imagine what it must be like for women who feel obliged to get pregnant over and over again just to satisfy a husband who insists that he must have a son. Men will never ever know how trying pregnancy can be.
Men who would not stop until they have a son should be given a lecture on reproduction because after all, it’s their sperms’ fault if the X chromosomes are always the ones that reach the egg. LOL.
i don’t really care about having a boy or girl as long as they’re healthy. besides, which, boys are yours only until they get married. whereas daughters… well, they’re yours forever. that’s truth.
it was different for me… i was perfectly content with our 2 boys until my wife convinced (for 2 months) that she wants a 3rd. a girl. 6 different consultants and 2 tries… we got the girl. turns out now that she’s more boy than girl.
about the pinoy superstition… i’ve observed it to be the complete opposite. my wife was a wreck with our girl but blooming and bright with our boys. same is true with my friends. though the superstition held true for my sister-in-law, my wife’s younger sister. she had twin boys.
I also have 2 boys and a girl. Despite my girl’s pennant for dresses and accessories, being the youngest, is the toughest of all my kids. She brawls with other older boys to defend his kuyas… Can’t believe this!
Ria, men ought to train their chromosomes better hahahaha
Neolex, re the superstition. I know a lot of people too who the opposite. I just don’t know where my former officemates got their version. Probably from observing married women in the building hehehe
most probably true… but i, myself, have heard of that particular superstition when my wife was pregnant with our first. and second. and third. each and every, it never fails; the opposite happens. hahaha
about the chromosome thing… let me tell you what we did to get our little girl. boys are easy for me. pop and shoot, out comes a boy.
facts: female sperm survive longer than male sperm. male sperm are easily killed by acidity. eating sour foods increases the ph levels within the vagina. eating fatty food (for men) decreases production of male sperm.
so to get our little girl, my wife and changed our dietary preferences… i started, learned to love it, eating fatty meat. i used to slice them off and throw away. my wife started eating green mangoes and anything sour. then we did it around 3 days prior to her peak ovulation period.
first go was a miss. the second went through. also, as a result of this production, i gained a miserable 20 pounds of extra fatty mass. but it was well worth it.
Goodmorning Mam Connie,
You know what, this article has so hit the spot for me today. Since my sis is now pregnant and I’m the one taking care of her. Well you see, she’s only about 17 y. o. and my father had found out about it and he won’t let the father of the child see them. So since I am the eldest I shall take care of my younger sis. I only slept like 2hrs today, coz she woke me up since her tooth was aching like hell. Can you give me some advice to what you she can take.
Anyways, to my comment to your blog, well it is so true, that no matter how guys think that they can assist their pregnant wife they still wouldn’t know how they feel inside. This is the reason why I’m all out support for my lil sis. since I kinda know how its tough for her going through this by herself. hayayayayyay!
i was happy with our 2 girls. i said to myself – que sera, sera. maybe, it was the beer or my attitude that gave us the boy the third time.
Nobody really tells you how hard it can be, and what unpleasant things you might have to deal with. I’m 11 weeks pregnant. So far, I don’t really have much to complain about, at least nothing serious. But my skin is a mess, I’ve developed some sort of rash from who knows what, the smell of cooking turns my stomach, and I feel weak and dizzy all the time. But what’s worse is feeling guilty for not loving being pregnant. Everyone else I’ve met seems to have had or is having a grand ol’ time with their pregnancies. Makes you feel like maybe you’re the problem!
Teen, sounds like the baby is getting the lion’s share of the calcium. There are limited dental procedures recommended for pregnant women (no root canal and extractions during the third trim) so she might like to ask her OBGYN about calcium supplements or a diet with higher calcium content.
JMonreal, or your position? LOL
All Things Considered, I was going to write about that too — the guilt and frustration about not being able to do a lot of things including things you want to do for the baby. The article above was yesterday’s op-ed column so there was limited space (ahhhh, the different between blog and newspaper).
Anyway, I hated being told that I should be “happy” all the time for the baby’s sake. Goodness, I was going through all kinds of hormonal changes and having mood swings and I had to pretend to be happy all the time?
Another spot-on post. I myself thought I’d have at least 7 kids, way before I knew what pregnancy and birth and having an infant was about. For a few months, while my hormones was wreaking havoc on my mental state, I seriously doubted I could have another child again. And now what do I think about seven kids? NOT IF YOU PAY ME A MILLION A CHILD!
All romantic notions gone eh? I was just telling Speedy that I want to redo the Blue Room (the spare bedroom that we use as family room) before my birthday and that I’d have the closet torn down. He said but what if someone wants to use the room later on? So I looked at him and asked, “Why, you want another baby?” Long and short of it? That sorta ended the discussion about tearing down the closets. They will go down. hahahaha
“…if a woman looked gorgeous during pregnancy, she would have a girl. If she looked like a wreck, she’d have a son.”
Ang parati kong biro sa mga kaibigan kong buntis after saying this, “uy, lalaking lalaki anak mo”. Of course, I always get hit several times after that remark. hahaha
ALthough I wouldn’t mind whatever the sex of our babies to be were, my wife and I were lucky. girl boy girl boy anak namin. Like as if we planned it.
Did you really plan on having four? Speedy and I always thought 2 was the ideal number but after Sam was born, what with the difficult pregnancy and appurtenant expenses, we reassessed. But when Alex came along, we didn’t balk. Palakasan ng loob hahaha
Pregnancy is just as unique as the baby, not one is the same!
Ay, how true! Each one with its own ups and downs.
I know it could be perplexing but with people I encountered who just won’t stop “producing” babies, it’s the woman who want to either have a son or a daughter.
What’s even crazier, most of them can barely feed their kids. Di ba sabi yung ibang parents daw gusto nang maraming anak to have more workers? It’s not the case for these people…
Anyhow, I have to admit na-trauma ko sa experience ko. Not with the pregnancy but the post-natal scenarios. You know the enormous responsibility, the change in dynamics not to mention the physical change, the list is endless. I get cold sweat when I think I might have missed my period.
pogiBoy is now 5 and I guess the fear has worn off. If things go well this year we’re hoping to plan for a second child next year. I’m still dreading it, but at least now I don’t have nightmares.
You know, I think that women who hanker for a son are actually trying to make sure that the husband won’t reason to stray. I know so many cases where the wife couldn’t produce the son and the husbands begot the sons with mistresses. So a lot of wives think of a son as an insurance.
It is a no win situation. On the other hand if you have too many kids, laos ka na.
No matter what, one cannot please a constantly straying husband. Because the moment he is not pleased with something, he used it as a reason and it becomes the wife’s fault.
After reading your post, I cannot say I am unlucky I never got pregnant. My mom didn’t go through a lot of hardship when she was pregnant with me (according to her). In fact ako yata ang nahirapan ng todo noong ipanganak ako. Inabot kasi siya ng panganganak sa bahay. She just ask a neighbor to fetch her doctor dahil feeling niya manganganak na siya. Nung dumating ang doctor, I was already out and soaked in my mom’s blood. Awang-awa raw yung doctor sa akin kasi sneeze ako ngang sneeze. But her experience with my three other sisters are a different story. Bravo to all the moms out there.
Just like marriage, motherhood is not essential for a woman to feel complete. It’s just culture makes us think we’re lacking unless we get married and bear children.
You got me there! akala ko “you’re on the way” na! hahaha
kaloka moments!
Pucha, ano ba? Speedy will get a heart attack hahahaha
Hi Connie! I can’t fully imagine what pregnancy and motherhood would be like. I’ve been gathering information, reading articles and talking to mothers. I want a baby, not now, but soon. I just assumed it’s never too early to know about something I’ve always wanted. ALso, I do feel encouraged. I’m in love with my husband’s eyes…hahaha. I hope the baby gets his eyes.
Before marriage, I said a team of children would be fun. After the 1st one, I said that’s it, zip.
For the physical, emotional and psychological experience, yes husbands suffer during and after pregnancy. I was one lucky guy that my sis-n-law, a doctor was living with us and knew how spoiled my wife was from not lifting a finger, never ending complaining to slightest noise, smell or anything you can imagine and yet still she can go to work everyday. Even how my sis-n-law prep her on facts and her own worst pregnancy experience being bed-ridden for 6 months, my wife would have none of it. At delivery room, we had 5 doctors (2 for the baby, 1 resident doctor, my wife’s doctor and my sis-n-law), yet we still managed to fight just because she thinks I was not holding her enough. Before that, the facility obliged to her wishes of taking more epidural to ease pain against the better judgment of the doctors including her sister which backfired because she cannot start pushing the baby out unless there is the pain element.
But once the baby was out, everything is forgotten. Only to be told again that I have to keep an eye of our baby despite all the tags and strict hospital procedure. How could that be possible that an only dark Filipino baby be switched to any of the surrounding Anglo whites. Not a chance with a Filipino dad peering through the glass with clear instruction from the strict wife. But watching him was a pure joy. And when I get back to my wife’s room much later, I was asked where is her flowers. Oops, too soon to get back to earth.
To the future dad out there, you will never how trying is the pregnancy until you will go through the experience as a loving husband.
“Most people in the office said if a woman looked gorgeous during pregnancy, she would have a girl. If she looked like a wreck, she’d have a son.”
I beg to disagree! I had four pregnancies, I always look gorgeous because I gain weight compared to my normal skinny body. I have two boys and a girl. I had miscarriage on the second pregnancy.
It’s just superstition hahahaha
This is just in time Ms. Connie. My second pregnancy was difficult and the Obgyne told me that malamang all my next pregnancies will be as diffcult. J’s relatives, di makuntento sa sagot na yun lang ang kaya namin. J is so like Speedy, he is not obsessed with having a son. I thinkg he was traumatized din with my last pregnancy. Sa inis ko, when I was interrogated again lately by yet another tita of his, who bragged that she had 8 kids, I retorted “bakit, tao din naman ang babae ah.” That shut her up.
We have 2 boys and a girl. My husband wants another one para daw even and puede mag tag team, told him okay lang, basta siya naman magbuntis
re the superstition: i looked hideous with my first pregnancy and boy nga then i was blooming naman daw sa 2nd, pero i still had a son. the third time, i was way past caring
Minsan naman kasi nakaka-pressure din yang “looks” na yan. I didn’t exactly feel glamorous and sexy when pregnant and my mother — ah, my mother! — was always on my case about, you know, things like oh you have to pay attention to how you look especially now that you’re married and pregnant. As if every husband with a pregnant wife automatically has extramarital affairs.