Posting has been light for the past week because my family reached another milestone — our youngest, Alex, is now in college. A.B. Theater. It’s been hectic as hell, complicated by a virus that brought us down with colds accompanied by fever. We managed though.
We found a bigger condo that’s within a five-minute walking distance to the school for Alex and Sam, and Sam’s best friend, Joan, who has been her roommate during the previous year. We split the rent and utilities three-way and that’s about the most practical arrangement we can manage. Sam and Alex moved to the new condo last Sunday; Joan will follow within the week.
Remember A Taste of the Empty Nest Syndrome that I wrote last year? Well, Speedy and I feel it very much these days. When Alex has settled in more comfortably, Speedy and I can go on short trips during weekdays (the girls will be home on weekends). And we can take photos and I’ll have lots to write about. Why spend the days sighing over how much we miss the girls, right? That won’t do us any good. And that won’t do the girls any good either — it’s their opportunity for a little independence and that’s something we should encourage.
If you’ve been a reader for the past year, you’d know that Sam is doing very well in college. She adjusted wonderfully, she loves college life, she’s made new friends and things are swell. Quite a slap on the face of her fourth year high school class adviser and the directress of the high school she went to who told us that Sam would never survive college.
Yes, they said that. To her face and to my face. I don’t know why but in that school, putting students down seemed to be a way of life. Most teachers would repeat day in and day out how difficult college is, instilling fear and anxiety in the students. Well, maybe college was difficult for them — it sure as hell was a wonderful adventure for me and a lot of my friends so making sweeping generalizations is simply being too short-sighted. Some would justify it as reserve reverse psychology; I call it dumb and mean.
Okay, so Sam is doing well. Is Alex ready to make the leap? Let me tell you about a series of incidents that happened in the high school that she has finally left.
The week before Alex enrolled in college, she went to that high school to complete the requirements and have her clearances signed. In a one-on-one conversation, her class adviser told her that she would fail in college. Alex came home in tears that day, I tried my best to explain to her that the class adviser was not really talking about her but was projecting his own failures.
It’s no secret as this story is something that the teacher has been proudly repeating to every class to which he had served as adviser. This man wanted to be a doctor. Then, he flunked the entrance exam to UP-PGH and decided that unless he could study there, then, he’d rather be a teacher. So, he gave up his dream of becoming a doctor. Why he glorifies that twisted pride, I’ll never understand.
I know a lot of people who go to “prestigious” schools not so much because they believe that they could get the best education there but, rather, for the stature of being an alumnus. But this man has more than enough brains to ignore that kind of thing. Yet, he didn’t. So he lives with his angst. And he likes to make his students feel small just like when he told Alex that she would fail.
I felt murderous when Alex told me what he said. And I was ready to confront the teacher and give him a piece of my mind. Then, an incredible thing happened. I saw Alex grow up from a child to an adult. Why, she asked in tears, do people think that the only way to succeed is to go to college and get good grades? And I told her it’s both a systemic and institutional flaw. It’s a term she’d understand because of The Matrix. And I told her about Sir Ken Robinson and his assessment that the flaw in the education system is a worldwide phenomenon, a by-product of the Industrial Age (read his account of the life of choreographer Gillian Lynn for better context).
Alex stared at me for a few seconds, unblinking, then she wiped her eyes and, in an even voice, she sort of rephrased Sir Ken Robinson in the language of her generation. She talked about “Dream On”, an episode of Glee, where a once-upon-a-time star of the Glee Club who failed to make it on Broadway had become a member of the school board. Played by Neil Patrick Harris, the character Bryan Ryan delivered a speech telling the students, basically, that they would fail to achieve their dreams and that 91% of them will stay in their home county doing boring jobs.
A few days later, Alex went back to the school to get her documents, including the report card. Speedy and I waited in the car. If there was going to be a repeat of what happened, if there was going to be another speech about failure, I was going in. But Alex had other plans.
The moment her clearances were complete and the report card was in her hand, she went to her former class adviser and told him that it was improper for him to tell her that she would fail because he didn’t know what would happen and he didn’t know her. She told him that he was a teacher and he shouldn’t degrade his students but, rather, inspire an encourage them.
I would have given an arm and a leg to be there when she told him off, to see his face and to see the humiliation there. But I guess I’d have to satisfy myself knowing that he apologized to Alex, telling her that if that was how he came across, then, he apologizes.
I don’t know if Alex will feel motivated enough to finish college. She is more interested in her art than acquiring formal education. If she finds the opportunity to have both, at least for the next couple of years, then swell. If she decides that she doesn’t need a college degree to live and breathe her art, then that’s swell too. She won’t be the first to turn her back on college to grab a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity — AND SUCCEED.
It’s enough for me that she already realizes that no one — NO ONE — can predict her success or failure. Whether she succeeds or fails is up to her — how she handles opportunities that come her way and how she brushes aside things that won’t make her a better person and a better artist.
When Sam graduated from high school, I wrote a column with a special message for her. I want to give the same message to Alex now. Dare to be different, celebrate your uniqueness, revel in your dreams and know that there are many paths that lead to the stars. No matter what anyone says.
what an encouraging words from a teacher. my gosh , what kind of a teacher is he? i never heard any of my teacher saying that to me even if i was a bit of “pasaway” before. instead of belittling their sudents, they should be thankful that their students have succesfully finish highschool. hay naku! if it happened to me, my parents will really be furious and susugurin talaga ang school. but then i admired how alex confronted the teacher. way to go alex! dream on!
regarding college life being difficult, i don’t think so! as a matter of fact its fun. only stubborn people find it difficult and it would only be difficult if the course you’ve taken is not your personal choice and if you don’t study of course. hehehe!
Kaiyak.
Wow, way to go Alex! And congrats to you and Air Speedy for raising an intelligent and independent-minded girl
If you ask me, i think that teacher was being an a-hole and reflecting his failures on the students he handles. I am glad that Alex had the courage to speak up and tell the teacher off.
A similar thing happened to me years ago when a high School teacher of mine told me that I wouldn’t amount to anything when i leave the portals of my beloved high school. That was a real bummer for me but kept mum about it. Years later, when i came home for a visit, I bumped into that former teacher and told him that his words back then have fueled me to become better and to eventually succeed. Smiling and thinking he was responsible for my success (or good career to make it sound humbler)I shot him down by saying, “but of course, ididn’t want to end up like you…bitter.” I turned away and never saw him again.
For Alex: it was a brave thing to have done what you did–> you stood up for what you believe was the right thing to do. You did not allow yourself to be put down by that teacher (who btw doesn’t deserve to be in that position at all) Way to go, girl! And, in life, we always have choices: like if someone tells you those hurting words, you can choose to let them make you sick in the heart and stomach or choose to make them enter one ear and out the other and remain unaffected.
I also had a similar experience during my first yr in UP… but the hurting words came from the Mom of my best friend with whom I hitched a ride going to school. She learned that I had bad grades lalo na sa Math 11 in the first sem and one time when I rode in their car, she greeted me with: “Ano, nangangamote ka pa ba Crisma?” That was one big humiliation for me at that time. And you know what? From that unkind remark, I launched on a “personal campaign” to prove her wrong. Before I graduated from UP, I had 2 certificates of merit to show that I was in the President’s List and also in the Dean’s List.
The person who said that life changing remark to me passed away in 2008 and when I went to her wake, I told her daughter about that incident. I also whispered to her my deepest thank you.
To Connie: You have raised fine and independent-minded daughters. Congratulations to you and Speedy!
namuo din luha ko
inspiring
Mediocre teachers are dime in a dozen, is it because the good ones are already abroad?
I laugh at the presence of such teachers.
Anyways, Sir Ken Robinson’s follow up talk on TED is now available and he makes the call for a learning revolution that brings about “personalized learning — creating conditions where kids’ natural talents can flourish.”
Sino si Sir Ken Robinson?
Wow, ulyanin na anak ko. I told you about his speech and you related Bryan Ryan with what he said.
O nang-aasar ka lang?
Mukang ngang nagbibiro lang si Alex. Laki ng tawa eh. I admire the way she handled the situation and made her teacher apologize. Way to go girl. Make your parents more proud.
ako yan nasa una, nagkamali lang ng lagay ng email addy. hehe.
Kulit ‘no?
Ok, lang yan. Pag yung butiki na prince charming nya ay nasundan pa siya sa condo dahil nga sa naghihintay ng kiss nya, eh siya naman ang makukulitan. haha!
Naku, there was a small one on the first night. HAHAHAHA I thought Alex wouldn’t go to bed. hahaha
Oh, good glory be – there are no words (polite ones, anyway) to describe such a person.
As for college being hard – ha! It is no harder than the hard knocks one gets in the pursuit of one’s vocation in life – if the person has guts and a good foundation (which your kids obviously have, in full measure), there is no reason why they should not succeed in their chosen paths.
I give you credit for what your girls have become. Your example, presence and support are their strengths and inspirations. Not all children are blessed with such parents.
My mother told me once when I was entering college that if anyone will say anything to me to put me down or discourage me, to take it as a challenge to strive. I kept her words as an encouragement and inspiration up to now and I have been saying the same to my two sons.
Grabe!!!
If there’s anything I learned with all the back-stabbing I had endured all these years, it is “everytime we utter a word, we are revealing a part of ourselves”. You are right. Her teacher’s words are actually a reflection of him and not of Alex.
Can’t wait for Alex to reach the time when she can tell the teacher “eat my dust!”. I can just imagine the mommy’s reaction.
Wow!
Alex stood up for her right! That’s amazing. That’s a mark for success.
Go, girl…. sky is the limit out there! Remember, nobody can stop you.
Way to go Alex! Have a great time at college and enjoy every minute of it. You will learn a lot about the experience, not only inside the classroom but outside of it. You’re very lucky to have such wonderful parents.
Ms. Connie, idol ko talaga kayo. Sana my husband and I can be like you and Sir Speedy, kahit half lang. hehe. You have raised two lovely daughters inside and out. Congrats!
You go Alex!! ^ ^, I was fuming just reading the first part of your post, now I feel content knowing that she gave her a piece of her mind.
It’s good that she now knows how to stand up for herself, I’m sure that’s not the last time someone would want to put her down.
Just had to comment. In my old high school, we also had our share of the doom-and-gloom teachers. But it took just one teacher (who wasn’t even a teacher to begin with; she was just teaching for that year on hiatus from her artistic life in France) to inspire us all.
She was amazing and showed us to look at things differently and every one in our class held her in varying degrees of awe and admiration. It was mostly because of her that most of our class decided to spread our wings and “follow our dreams”.
As we are organizing a reunion now, we’re realizing just how much of an influence that teacher was at the most important point in our lives and how much that has made a difference in our lives now.
To have you be that person in your daughter’s life is just amazing.
I know that Alex reads the comments. And she’ll be able to draw inspiration and strength knowing that NOT all people are like the small-minded people in her old school.
Maaa! Si Babs, walang kalunch.
Dyan nag-lunch sa condo ah!
Some teachers are not sincere and trustworthy especially in dealing with their students, they must be the first one to behave properly. How can they promote solid relationships among their students if they are like that? They always talked about parents to know and understand their role as partners of the school in education and upbringing our children, but you see! They do not even understand working hand-in-hand with their counterparts. Ate Cons, We must also evaluate activities of the teachers, so they know the difference between positive, negative and verbalize feelings, so as to concretize difficulties which may arise in relationship with us.
What kind of teacher is Mr. X? He must understand his role as our partners. He must not make judgements about information in terms of accuracy.. kasi kulang si Mr. X dito. All grade results must be held strictly confidential.He must changed his whole approach, wala siyang concern kay Alex. Mr X is making decisions without weighing the consequences…All teachers must have a pleasing voice in courteous manner, not firm enough to show character.
I’m searching for truth to call the resignation of teacher X,To me, He failed as an educator. this type of teacher wants you to believe and response to his desires and preferences. and classmates? can be easily swayed by the decisions of teachers.Go on…,Share your stress, and I will help you carry even the heaviest load.Sam and Alex! goodluck! Enjoy life to the fullest. ( dami nito, parang di na comment, letter na..galit kasi ako sa teacher..)
I love your message to your daughters, Connie. It’s something I will think of often these days as my son enters his senior year in high school.
I’ve always believed that grades were everything and believing that, walked a straight academic path to the vocation of my choice (medicine). I went to a science high school and then to the state university and there were no other choices in between, just that single straight line to the goal. I find that for my son, however, the path isn’t as clear as I would want it to be. His interests are clearly different from mine (humanities and arts as opposed to my sciences).
I admire your courage to allow your children to make their own dreams. I have a year more to process this whole college thing, but if I have learned anything of help, it is that I should not fear the many different paths to the stars.
God, I would also feel murderous if I hear a teacher say the same thing to my child! They are supposed to nurture and inspire and bring out the best in our kids. Make them better than us.
Go Alex! Whatever happens in college, you will surely enjoy!
Kudos to your daughter.
She’s got balls (well at least figuratively).
She’ll definitely survive college. Just like her, my course is medyo different din from what most people will take. Turned out, mas madami job opportunities after graduation and mas konti ka-kumpitensya.
I wish her good luck and good grades!
what a great post and cheers to alex for standing up to her adviser! i remember when i got accepted to UP my adviser told me “Nooo! Wag duun! Walang Dyos dun!!” susmaryosep
your special message for alex certainly rings true for everyone. thanks for sharing it with us!
Re: your adviser: Wow, talk about stereotyping. How absolutely narrow-minded. Ang sarap sampa… hay, never mind. hahahaha
Is it true that majority (if not lots of) of notable journalists that we have today were from UP?
No idea.
My question is actually addressed to neva.
I can cite some of my friends who have been converted to something different for what they were before after graduating from UP. Specifically their political beliefs. Para bang na-brainwashed, IMO.
Sabihin natin na totooo na walang D’yos doon…IMO again.
And others want these teachers to teach sex education in the classrooms!
Re: sex education in the classroom.
I don’t know when Filipinos will wake up to the current realities. There is so much porn in the internet that elementary and high schools students are unnecessarily exposed to. Sex-ed is needed to counter this unwanted exposure. Sex-ed is about risk of getting infections and unwanted pregnancy in addition to personal resposibility.
Over the years I had been sending money to fund my niece education in the Philippines until she will finish a career of her choice -everything free. My only demand that she will not get pregnant. Last year, she got pregnant at age 15 so I stop the financial support.
Sad story there, Dodong. Sad for you because parang hindi binigyan ng value ang iyong paghihirap to send money for her education. And sad for her because of her misplaced priorities.
It was for her. I can only compare.
World apart, I had another niece that went into the same high school of Kirsten Dunst, Katharine McPhee, Michelle Trachtenberg and Rachel Bilson. Her education was solely funded by her divorced mom who refused financial support from extended family but have double jobs to support her. She is independent, recognized her mom’s hardwork, graduated with honors and got full scholarship to a major university for her choosen field in bio-medical science.
We can only hope that kids can see early and avoid the traps in life. Because once you are in it, it is not easy to get out of it by yourself or get stuck. Costly mistakes can be an excellent motivator but it depends how one thinks.
She lives in the province or in the city?
She lives in the city under the watchful eyes of her mom -my eldest sister. She should know better as she grew up in poverty as her parents are jobless and dependent upon Nanay (her lola) who at old age takes care of the farm in the province. She was not short of motivations. The problem, she is very pretty and some years ago I had this dreaded thought that she would get pregnant. Unlike in the Philippines, sex-ed is already taught at elementary schools. At US Catholic schools, parents read the sex-ed materials and conference were arranged for discussion, before sex-ed is initiated for students. It included improper touching, internet hazards, porn, peer-pressure, unwanted pregnancy and drastic change to your life, diseases and infections from sex, and responsibility. (So you wonder, what’s the beef of Philippine bishops) Those were the things that my niece did not have – clear choices and discussions before jumping into major trouble.
So I had to tilt the balance in her favor – sending her to private school all expenses paid provided she will not get pregnant. And I had discussion with her a long time ago that getting into a relationship early only takes out her chances of meeting wonderful guys later in a different level. There is no substitute to become independent, pursue your dreams and get to places. And she was not short of reminder that everything ends if she cross the line.
Unfortunately, it did not help. I did not regret helping her. This time she has to pick up the pieces without my help. It is hard lesson for opportunity. But that is real life.
I think that qualified psychologists (specializing in pre-teen and teen psychology) should be the ones to teach sex education. I had a science teacher (Bio, actually) who was a very devout Catholic and she could even discuss animal reproduction without getting awkward. And she was a middle aged woman with kids, for goodness’ sakes!
Another teacher (Anthropology) walked out when a classmate mentioned sex. Sheesh.
I believe Pacita Abad from Betanes only found art when wandering and working casually in San Francisco. I never fail to be moved when I view a Pacita Abad painting. I hope your daughter will continue to simply follow her bliss and everything else will work out.
Best
Jody
That’s one thing lots of people don’t get. PLANNING everything to the last detail doesn’t always work because circumstances change everyday. And, sometimes, one incident can render all carefully laid plans irrelevant and unimportant. But THAT teacher? Oh, he thinks you’re a failure if, at 16, you don’t know FOR SURE what you want to do for the rest of your life.
To Alex: I remember being told that college wasn’t going to be as fun as high school, they were wrong. I loved the little freedom that went with it and pursuing the course I wanted. I was told that having a job wasn’t going to be as fun as college. They were wrong too, I loved working at my every job and what’s more, unlike school, I was getting paid for it (no homeworks too). I was told the marriage would be hard. Wrong too. The only thing they got right was how hard it was when a child comes into the picture. It was harder than I expected hahaha.
My point is don’t always believe what other people tell you, especially when you are pursuing your passion. You may or may not be paid as much as being a doctor, or a lawyer or a nurse here in the US but when you are doing what you love you will not work for a single day in your life and you will not run out of ideas on how to make a living either.
Your teacher said that thing to you because he is miserable being a teacher because he is not lucky as you – he probably doesn’t know what his passion is. Not fortunate as you, to have parents who support your passion. Btw, kudos to that dialogue you had with him. You gave him a teachable moment =)
Enjoy college but still study hard. Good grades does open more doors but not the be all end all either. Having more opportunities is nice though.
Enjoy single life. Enjoy having a schedule not being being dictated by another human being – you will have lots of that when babies come =)
Be nice to people you encounter on your way, you’ll be surprised that many of them will have your paths crossed again and most likely you will either be working with/for them, they offering you referral for that dream job or a crucial contact person for a project/business you would like to have.
This is the start of the more exciting things in life, I promise.
(tita) Geri =)
Now, you made me cry. And when she reads this, I won’t forget to tell her that Tita Geri is an artist.
Thank you, Geri. And that’s from me.
You’re welcome Connie =)
Very touching post. Good for Alex for standing up for what she believes in. I admire you Ms Connie, you raised your girls well. Hope my kids grow up to be as independent and intelligent as yours.Nothing could be more satisfying for a Mom to know that they can let their kids fly out of the nest and they’ll be safe and survive.
Congratulations to Alex and to her proud parents!
why were she treated like that by her teacher? is it b’coz she’s more interested in arts than academics? some people used to think that artists are “mahina ang ulo” and i really refused to accept that..it’s just that artists focused much of their attentions in practicing their skills and the expressions of their thoughts and feelings,and they focus less on academics…they are much interested on creating and not on memorizing…If she is interested in arts..support her and be proud of her,coz, bihira lng ang katulad nila,,individuals who CAN transfer the images that’s on their mind into paper…did I mention that I am a Fine Arts graduate?…;-)
The teacher is just really something else.
Connie, your girls are so lucky to have you and Speedy as parents to encourage and guide them along. I really admire how you are raising them.