I was watching Oprah! a couple of weeks ago and Maria Shriver was there promoting her latest book Just Who Will You Be?
What is “alone time”, how long should it be and where’s the best place to spend it? Alone time means time spent in solitude and it can be for a few minutes to a couple of hours. And solitude means away from distractions. If you want a good illustration… Remember Superman’s Fortress of Solitude? Whenever he needed time to think and rebuild his strength, he went there.
But alone time does not really mean a special place or a specific time of the day. It just means solitude. And solitude means you don’t talk to anybody and nobody talks to you. It means no tv, no radio, no internet, and you don’t take phone calls, check e-mails and text messages. It’s a space for introspection. It’s a time for letting your hair down — totally and completely. It can be spent in your room, your garden, your attic, your basement, inside your car or even inside the bathroom. Me? I love bringing a cup of coffee or a glass of wine with me in the bath tub. Just as I love smoking alone in the dark living room after everyone has gone to bed or standing on the terrace and staring at the empty street in front of our house and the still waters of the pool in the clubhouse.
I value my alone time. But I never really realized how valuable it was until I became a mother. When Sam and Alex were younger (Speedy and I decided on a no-nanny policy), there are no words to explain the stress of having to be there for them every second of the day, every day of the week. When your children are babies, you can’t reason with them and insist that they stay still and quiet so you can have a long luxurious bath to wash away the strains of the day.
I don’t know if you can imagine it. You wait until they’re fed and in bed and you go and have your bath and you’ve barely taken off your clothes when the howling starts. You get flustered and you don’t know whether to run out of the bathroom — naked — because it might be something serious or to wait and see if the crying would pass.
Mothers with strong support systems (parents, in-laws, siblings) within the household and those with live-in nannies have it easier. They just have to ask someone to look after the baby while they go and soak in the tub. When we were living with my in-laws, I did that. But when we were no longer there, it was different.
And it’s not like children become less demanding and more reasonable when they become toddlers. If anything, the demands grow even more and just because they can communicate with words doesn’t necessarily mean you can easily reason with them.
Let me give you an example. When Alex was around two years old, and up until she was about five, she had this habit of knocking on the bathroom door and saying, “Mommy, mommy…” over and oven again. She’d do it relentlessly (and her voice would start breaking and I’d hear the inevitable sniffling after a minute) until I opened the door, even just as crack, and looked at her and said, “Hi, baby. I won’t take long, I promise…” or something to that effect. The way I understood it, she simply needed reassurance that I was there, that I didn’t flee somewhere, and those words and the sight of my face (often framed by wet hair and dripping shampoo lather) were all that she needed. I learned to value what alone time I could snatch when they had their afternoon nap and I was free to just let my mind go — even for just 15 minutes.
Much later, when Alex was about 10, during one of those moments when she and her sister and I would collectively reminisce about their early years (they loved hearing stories about “nung bata pa kami”), I asked her about that. Why did she go on saying, “Mommy, mommy…” even when she didn’t need anything and didn’t really have anything pressing to say? And she said, “Nothing. I just wanted to say ‘Mommy’.” Oh, my. She’ll never know the stress and panic she caused me through all those years.
By that time, I’ve learned to make good use of the bathroom to get my alone time. When this blog was very new and people asked where I got ideas for writing, I always told them the truth — the bathroom. My best ideas were born in the bathroom. The tag line A sassy lawyer in Philippine suburbia was born in the bathroom; so was Culinary Adventures with the Radical Chef (what the food blog was before it was Pinoy Cook). Before it became A sassy lawyer in Philippine suburbia, the political blog had a very corny title — Die Hard — but you wouldn’t know that.
My alone time is my sanctuary. It is my physical, mental and emotional space. It is also my most creative space. Most importantly, it an assertion of me as a person, as an individual person. And I need that because while I am a mother and wife 24/7, I am also me 24/7 and I have been me for much longer than I have been a mother and wife.
I deserve my alone time. So do you. If you still haven’t discovered it, well, there’s no better time than the present time.
I totally agree with you.Alone time means loving yourself.I escape the “busyness” of life and at the same time keeping my sanity by having time alone.
Driving alone in the rain,sitting in the garden with the
fragrant smell of orange blossoms,reading a book while sipping frappucino,writing a friendly note,enjoying a bubble bath….
hundred of mundane things to do to uplift the spirit.
SOLITUDE is the food for the soul.
Perfect post since I have been going so much under stress lately… I live and work on a yacht thus after work there is rarely a time alone… so what I do is putting my running shoes, leave the phone and just go away for an hour to let go.
Most of my food stories happen to shape when am walking, or even taking a bus and I have my time alone moment.
Here comes the stress lately. I am back here in Athens, since I barely stay home I have sublet my flat to fellow compatriots… thought the arrangement was just a room rental but since she pays half now I have to give her the rights of the kitchen and salon…
Today I came in and suddenly there were 4 people at my place, they have invited others. not asking if that is fine with me… I just went to my room and locked myself.
I value my time alone so badly, its the time I de stress I gather my thoughts, unfortunately others dont see this important….
Sometimes I think has this got to do with out Pinoy culture of being tribal? Well I mean always in a group????
So now its 2am they are asleep am reading news and blogs, luckily am not working so I can sleep late….
ever used the line “hindi ko na marinig ang sarili ko mag-isip”? for me, that’s when i need my alone time and i usually do that by picking up a book. i can ignore everybody and just immerse myself in the story. my husband would say, “hindi mo ba naririnig na nagkakagulo na ang mga anak mo” and i would tell him truthfully na NO! then he knows its my alone time
i totally agree with you connie.
ahh the concept of “me” time and solutide. i love it. i honor my “me” time the way i honor every commitment i have with other people. its during my “me” times that i get to find my centre again (if at times i’m feeling lost), de-stress and calm myself or simply just spend time with myself. on a daily basis, i try to spend at least 10 minutes of alone time and on Fridays, i treat myself to a coffee date with myself. when i started doing those “me” rituals 7 years ago(wow ang tagal na pala), i feel like a better person kasi parang mas naging healthy ako mentally.
Don’t you just love it when you have the house to yourself? smoking a stick and cup of coffee in hand? Precious moments, indeed.
But then, how can you relax in catanonic Manila?
You have a bathroom, don’t you?
Thank you. What a lovely reminder. Like you, I am nanny-less — I work at home too, so the balancing act is a little tough for me.
I fixed my little nook the other night and I know it has benefited me every time I took a step inside. I didn’t even have to do anything or stay long: it’s like an instant recharging device knowing that it was all mine.
Very timely post. My cousin and her family arrived a few days ago and they are staying with us until they are stable enough to stand on their own. She has 2 kids. For the longest time, it’s just me and my husband. For the first 4 days we enjoyed our “war zone environment” but on the fifth day I started missing the quietness and cleanliness of the house. I started appreciating the time I spend in the bathroom. When I feel like I want to pull my hair, I head to the bathroom and take a book with me. I have lots of it before but I didn’t really realized how good they (time alone) made me feel.
Would have been a perfect peace if the wifey will not plan something or tell the spouse to do chores….hehe.
Aray!
I love my alone time with a book and wine. Speaking of baths, the Hubs gave me a bath set this past V-day so I should probably use that soon
I have an additional suggestion, Dex. Scented candles or oil in the bathroom.
Ms.Connie, we have live-in nannies bec. I work fulltime and the husband is often away on deployment. But as soon as i step inside our gate, I have to snap out of my exhausted state (after a day of hearings and officework) and become mama again.
Since I gave birth to our eldest, dyosko, I can’t use the bathroom in peace even for 5 minutes! Natawa ako, Alex is so like my Faith, katok nang katok, so sanay na ako to use the bathroom without locking the door, otherwise, she’ll scream.
My downtime is when both girls are asleep and I can read to my heart’s content. That is, for an hour before the baby wakes up to play.
There was a time, just to keep the peace, I’d bring Sam inside the bathroom with me. I’d just tell her to stay a few feet away so she won’t get wet. And she’d just stand there, quietly, waiting for me to finish my bath. When I think of it now, I wonder how I got through.
I live with 3 men (my husband and two sons) who are all “makulits”, so you could just imagine the stress I go through everyday. I do my “alone time” in our walk-in closet and I always plan how I would spend my time there. Always the best for me is when I would pile up all my soft and fluffy comforters in the middle of the closet and I would just lay on top of them in peace while listening to my favorite music. I always felt good, light and sane after.
Now I know why I spend so much time in the bathroom!!! I’m getting my alone time!!!
Ms. Connie,
I also do that-take a bath while Faith watches me inside the bathroom. Para lang manahimik siya.
Re:wondering how you got through–haha. Everyday, I wonder about that too.
I got up early this morning and went running (more like fast walking hahahaha). First time in a long time. It was so good to be alone with myself — great suggestion.
I oughta do some fast walking myself. We used to do it at night but we’ve been lazy lately. LOL
If I don’t do it first thing in the morning, it won’t get done. There is always something that comes up after work and then….you know. I hate doing it in the morning cause I like to stay up late too!
my special alone times:
1) inside the bathroom reading…
2) driving to & from work
3) walking in the evening around the neighborhood
4) early mornings is the best, when everyone you love is still asleep, you get so invigorated that after your “alone time”, you’re raring once again to be with and to do something special for your loveones.
“inside the bathroom reading…”
I do that too.
Learned it from my brother who used to bring a volume of encyclopedia to the bathroom every morning.