The second article is about “multi-dadding”, a term used to describe the situation of women who have children with different men. The title of the article, “Is multi-dadding the future of parenting?“, is already very provocative. But reading the accounts of women who have children by different men is really quite an experience.
Especially in very conservative societies like the Philippines, women are stuck with the one-man-one-woman, till-death-do-us-part formula. That’s why adultery is a crime — because it disrupts the formula. But, the truth is, not all marriages work. And when it doesn’t and ends in separation and annulment, should a woman be precluded from having children with a subsequent partner or partners? The big question is whether it is really emotionally, mentally and spiritually unsound for the mother and her children if the children have different fathers. Put another way, is it really impossible for a woman to raise a happy (i.e., emotionally healthy) family if her kids have different fathers?
It might be noteworthy to point out that the situation of a widow with children who remarries is not very much different except for the fact that the dead husband can no longer claim full or shared custody. In short, a subsequent husband or partner will, for all intents and purposes, serve as an uncontested father figure. Consider the following:
The upshot of having a slightly fractured family is that my first child has a very strong bond with me. He gets access to me in a way that maybe the other two do not, because I feel sensitive to the fact that, sometimes, when he sees his two younger, blonder brothers, he feels perhaps a bit separate to them. [Guardian Unlimited]
That situation could be true too for a widow and her child from the first marriage.
The point I’m trying to get at is whether the big deal about multi-dadding is more about the stigma — the moral judgment — attached to a woman who have relationships with different men rather a real emotional health issue for mother and children. Is the perception that multi-dadding parenting is a deviant situation not, in truth, based on a presumption that the mother is 1) too promiscuous to set a “good” example to her children; 2) too emotionally immature as “evidenced” by the various relationships; or 3) both? But the unasked question is: Do these presumptions apply to every woman who has children with different men?
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I've never tried marriage counselling. Just counselling as an individual. Same with my husband. Then we meet together as a couple with our therapist. Our issues were about our personal selves . Counselling is not for everyone . Our marriage suffered because of unhealthy grief . We had to do this because I wanted to parted ways and before I made that final decision, I wanted to see if our marriage would still work if my husband worked on his grief.
There are counsellors at CEFAM (Center for Family Ministries) at Don Bosco Makati and Ateneo Makati which just requires a donation. I think minimum is 300 to 500 pesos. Counsellors normally charge 1000 to 1500 for a n hour session. The CEFAM type of counsellig worked for my sister's marriage. It didn't work for me. We went to a grief counsellor that could relate more to our pain.
So it goes to show that marriage counselling is not for everyone.
hehe multi-dadding. I know someone who did that. You know who of course…hehe
The children seem to get along well . It's just the mother keeps looking for a man in her life. And the children look up to the current boyfriend as the "father figure".
Honey, "I've met several people who, even though already married, can not seem to let go of their mother's skirts. And the sad thing is that the mother cannot seem to let go of their married kids."
This seems to be one of the negative offshoots of "close family ties."
Sexy Mom, naku, you should see all those counseling sites on the net — from marriage to parenting. It's a thriving business, alright.
When Noemi mentioned CEFAM, it rang a bell. We went there once, in Ateneo. Not for marriage counseling though but to have Alex evaluated — "gifted" daw sabi ng pre-school teachers.
Regarding marriage, counselling, it's good if the two people in a marriage are mature individuals. The problem arises if they are immature (although old enough to marry and have kids). Sometimes the man thinks "Since I am the padre de familia, , what I say, goes" and the woman thinks, "If you love me, what I say goes". I've met several people who, even though already married, can not seem to let go of their mother's skirts. And the sad thing is that the mother cannot seem to let go of their married kids. In those cases, I think counselling should be availed of
hello ms. connie…this really isn't about marriage counseling or multi-dadding….i just need to find out how you link the post that you wrote on your blog to the pinoymomsnetwork…pasensiya na, talagang (computer) technically challenged
please feel free to e-mail me directly…i appreciate the help…thanks!
Ah… you post an excerpt, tapos below type "Read the resr of this entry". Highlight "Read the rest of your entry" then click the "link" button.
noemi, yours was more than a marriage problem and that's why you really needed professional help.
i was thinking more in the line of usual marital spats that a little willingness to grow up can't solve.
"multi-dadding. I know someone who did that. You know who of course"
i wonder how it turned out.
i have seen and read a lot of marriages falling apart, some for very simple reasons of falling out of love or incompatibility. a lot of couples must have forgotten the vows made in marriage. i really do not know what needs to be done. maybe it is high time that we re-learn the basics, be reminded of the sanctity of marriage. maybe, marriage counselors can help, but yes, they bleed dry their clients of money. couples must be made aware of their options. noemi has mentioned the counselors in Don Bosco and Ateneo, but they are very small in number. peer counseling, in church or local government units perhaps?