Some twenty years ago, the 20-year-old daughter of a distant relation left for the United States with her fiancé who was more than thirty years her senior. We didn’t even know she was engaged until her mother came over afterward to gush about her daughter’s good fortune. She was marrying a very wealthy man, she told us. How did she know he was wealthy? The whole family has had their taste of his money. While courting her daughter, the American bought the family home furnishings and appliances that they would never have been able to afford. So, although the daughter had other ambitions (she was a very pretty mestiza girl and she wanted a career in media if not in show business), her mother told her that the wealthy American was her best shot at a much better life.
So, the daughter left for America with her fiancé and they eventually got married there. The next time we saw her mother, she was singing a different tune. All the furnishings and appliances that the American showered on the family turned out to have been bought on credit. And, as soon as her daughter married him, he insisted that she find employment to pay for all the gifts that her family received.
Not that the American turned out to be a complete ass. As far as we know, his wife stayed with him and they are still together. Where else would she go? By the time she had finished paying off all the credit card purchases (she was also sending money back home to her family in the Philippines), she had also given birth to a couple of children. Her stressful home-work-home lifestyle had taken its toll, she had lost her youthful looks and could no longer entertain the idea of coming back to be an actress.
They weren’t rich, this girl. She was the youngest of seven siblings, their father had been unemployed for years before she met the American suitor, and, all her life, they had been living in a rundown rented apartment in Pasay City. Her older sisters, much prettier than she was, all married “well” and one had moved abroad. They had been living off largely on what money the older sisters could send home. It just seemed “natural” that by the time she reached a marriageable age, she would do the same thing – marry the wealthiest suitor and help support her parents. At least, that was what her mother expected.
Twenty years ago, the mail-order bride phenomenon had not hit full force. But Filipina women wanting to marry foreigners… this has been going on since the American occupation when propaganda about the American dream had been in the mind and heart of almost every Filipino family who did not have much future to look forward to in the country. It’s a kind of “liberator” mentality. The Americans “liberated” the country from the Japanese and the Americans would liberate every damsel in economic distress.
These days, the concept of “liberator” has broadened. Every male from every rich country is a potential liberator. In a study made recently by the Country Gender Assessment of the Asian Development Bank, statistics show that the number of Filipinas who married foreigners has tripled in just a span of eight years from 7,819 in 1998 to 24,954 in 2006. Data also show it has to do with the inability of the Philippines to provide well-paying jobs so much so that marrying foreigners has become a way to provide for the families of impoverished Filipinas.
I used to flinch at how women flaunt themselves on the Internet, in skimpy attires and in the most provocative poses, to attract foreigners. But from another perspective, if we can get over the feeling that there is degradation when women marry for money, it actually has one liberating aspect. These women aren’t allowing traditional norms to dictate what their reason should be for marrying — religion and culture and the notion that marriage is a spiritual union be damned. It isn’t the church or culture or their rules that will go into the marriage anyway, why should they have any say in the matter?
If we study history, this phenomenon of marrying daughters to the wealthiest suitor is nothing new. It’s a centuries-old practice in Europe. Girls from wealthy families had their public debuts (coming out balls) precisely to parade them before suitable bachelors. Why should the rich have a venue for parading their daughters but not the poor? They’re all after the same thing anyway – rich husbands.
When cause-oriented and conservative groups start sloganeering about saving Filipinas who are “forced” to marry foreigners because of poverty, I don’t know if they are objecting based on moral or real grounds. Granted that the element of danger is present. The situation of girls who fly off to marry total strangers and find themselves in a foreign land (often disadvantaged with severe language barriers) without a familiar support group is a rather difficult one. And if the husband turns out to be a total nut, how does a girl get out? If groups who seek to “help” these women do so from that perspective, I can appreciate their concern and effort.
But if they are objecting based on purely moral grounds, do they have a right to do so? Do they have a right to impose their moral standards on these daring women who find it more liberating to thumb their noses on tradition and religion-based values?
i agree, you cannot impose your own standard on other people. and who decides who needs “help”? that’s an awkward situation. can get ugly.
i am married to an american, and he is 11 years older. but not under those circumstances. there are times when i wonder what people think of us as a couple when we are strolling downtown. wonder- not worry. they can think whatever they want. for sure i didn’t marry for money as my honey, does not have money
Aye, I used to be judgmental about these things. But it is never fair to insist that all Filipinas who marry foreigners are only in it for the money or the chance to escape poverty.
Marrying a foreigner entails a lot of risks. There are some I know who are loved and treated as an equal by their foreigner husbands but there are also a handful that are not that lucky. There is one that has to work all her life to support a jobless husband who wants to be served as a king when she’s home. My bestfriend met this girl who was sponsored by her canadian boyfriend and got married here. After the wedding, the true color of her husband showed. Tamad, nananakit and a cold-blooded womanizer. He did not allow her to get a job. The only time she is allowed to leave their house is when she was asked to do an errand. She was treated like a slave. She is a battered wife in every sense of the word. People who are concerned with her safety tell her that she has every right to leave him but his threat of sending her back to Pinas make her endure all the hardships. No matter how many people tell her that leaving a husband is not a ground for deportation, she still chose to live with him. She’ll do everything, even deny the maltreatment, just to be sure that she’ll continue to live in Canada. My unsolicited advice to those who will marry a foreigner, at least know your rights in the country you chose to live.
hindi mo rin sila masisi kung magpapakasal sila dahil gusto nila ng madaling way out sa poverty. mahirap din kasing tanggihan yung offer ng magandang buhay, pag nakakaramdam yung tiyan mo ng gutom. as always, relative yung comparison – working 24/7 in a foreign country is better than going hungry while doing nothing at home.
ako nga, mail order groom din kasi pinakasalan ko ay taga nueva ecija samantalang taga pasay city talaga ako. sa umpisa, nahirapan ako sa mga cultural differences namin ni jet.
Young women flying off to marry someone they dont know very well is not the hard thing to stomach–it’s the parents and relatives who shamelessly push and convince their young daughters to do so. It’s almost unthinkable how poverty can transform and degrade people, and worse if they don’t even realize it. Parents sending off their daughters to prospective husbands they don’t know are just one of the many shameful things that happen in the Philippines.
While it is unfair to deny filipinas the chance to marry foreigners (I remember being ticked off when the pen pal column was taken from Buy And Sell in the 90′s before the internet dating caught fire) it is also a mistake for filipinas to bank on these men as liberators. Especially when in most cases they expect that their family be liberated as well.
There is a reason why immigration requires a certain amount of income from a petitioner for fiancee or spouse visa – immigration paperworks are expensive, supporting another person (who could be jobless for more than 6 months after they are married) to live here is expensive. I remember making that same income and wondered how people could ever live in that salary much less support another person, worse send money back to the Philippines for her family.
They have to remember that once they deduct taxes, mortgage payments (or apartment rentals), health insurance, car insurance, electricity and gas bills, alimony and child support (if divorced and have kids) there really isn’t that much money left for the average working american.
And oh, I always see americans who gift women (and her family) extravagantly as a red flag. Yup, that’s credit card at work and by the time the fiancee/wife arrives to live with him (after a year or two), he’s broke.
While the filipinas married to americans I know personally lead normal married lives I could only wonder the fate of the filipinas I remember in the CFO seminar I attended. I was aghast to overhear one filipina who didn’t know her husband’s/fiance’s real address (only a P.O. box number), another who didn’t know her husband’s job, another who didn’t know her fiance was divorced 3 times, she only learned it from the CFO counselor that day.
They should double the effort in knowing the men they are going to live with. They have to remember that they are going to be totally at the mercy of these men.
I have blogged about this 2 years ago in my entry “The Dark Side Of Internet Marriages”. Sorry kung plugging ang dating. This topic is just so close to my heart.
And I agree about women posting photos of themselves in skimpy attires. It reeks of desperation.
True that the parents often play a big role in these cases. And it shows another aspect of our culture that is worth a deep assessment — why do daughters (even sons) feel obliged to obey their parents and play the role of provider even if the parents are able to work and support themselves?
Ms. Connie, it is because of that blasted idea that “children have an obligation to provide for their parents.” duh.
I too am judgmental about pinays clinging to well-off men, foreigner or not, as a way out of poverty. But lately, I realized that these women are victims of their own relatives who use them as pawns.
When I the news tell of yet another maltreated pinay on foreign shores, and the relatives wail, “paano na kami?” I can’t help but curse. Namatay na nga yung anak,minsan na chop-chop pa, ang inaalala yung sarili nila. ugh.
wow- i am somewhat aware of the situation, but reading about actual pinays that are going through these kinds of hardships- i feel very fortunate. i am my own person (a green card holder, i have a college degree, and a decent and loving family who does not expect to be supported), before meeting my husband. we really are partners in this relationship and in raising our daughter.
one can’t help being judgmental (i can be sometimes…depends on the situation), as long as you don’t stick your nose in other people’s business…
Lemon, re obligation: it’s very Asian. But then, I think about European royalty in the Middle Ages and even they have this thing about providing for family members. In fact, the moment one family member became important in court, he was expected to find positions for family and relatives.
Inna, re partners. I think that standing on more or less equal footing removes exploitation out of the equation. You’re lucky.
ms. connie- i watched the duchess last night. perfect example- i’d say. although georgiana was brought up in the upper class and they were not starving, social standing and power motivated the mom to push her to turn a blind eye to the duke’s indiscretions and urge her to continue to fulfill her duties under unpleasant circumstances. really sad.
p.s. this is a very interesting post. thanks for sharing….
I get annoyed when progressive groups make general statements such as ;” majority of marriages from mail order brides end up in failure”…wala naman silang survey na ginawa. Or publish a study of abused mail-order brides in canada na ang respondents were only from women shelters- I do not deny there will be cases of abuses but there are cases in which it works out well. There are also cases of women abusing their husbands.
I agree that the family has a large role in pressuring women to go abroad, marry a foreigner and then the parents are set up for life. I recall reading somewhere that there is now a marked preference for baby girls because a girl will always support the family.
Well, I was — still am — regarded and treated like a mail-order bride here, despite not being sexy and alluring (LOL). Many Swiss people, especially the uneducated ones, think that all Asian woman marry Swiss men for money. (If only people knew that my husband is not rich.)
I don’t judge these women. It’s a free world, after all. Having said that, I also have a bit of an issue with regard to women marrying for money (not to say that I look down on these mail-order brides; because I don’t). I’ve always believed that one should marry for love. But that’s just me. I cannot/should not impose my convictions on others, of course.
On another note, it’s kind of amusing to see how some Pinoy mail-order brides, who become instantly rich by marriage to wealthy European men, act so arrogantly here or elsewhere. I’ve met quite a number of them, and I tell you it’s really tiring to hear them talk about money and material things all the time (all that house or car comparisons…how crass). One girl from Samar even had the gall to ask me on our first meeting in Basel, “O, ikaw, kelan mo makukuha ang mana ng asawa mo?” (I later learned that she seduced her way to a rich Swiss guy’s heart to ‘escape poverty.’)
P.S. By the way, I forgot to mention about an eightyish Swiss man marrying an 18-year-old Pinay from the province. It was televised here a few years ago. He said in the TV interview, “Ich bin sehr gluecklich (I’m very happy).” It made me somewhat sad.
Try reading the book The Other Boleyn Girl.
or a 70-something- swiss woman marrying a much younger guy in the Philippines- I saw a feature about them on german television some years ago. It was somewhere in pangasinan and also showed the houses of Filipinas who married swiss men.
Ever since I was 12 years, I dreamed of going to the States. In 1975 I was a senior in college and was corresponding with an American. After a year of writing with each other, he came over, married me and brought me here in the States. THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME because I was able to bring over my parents and 6 siblings here in the States. Everybody is living a decent and comfortable life. What a kind and generous man.
In Jayred post, he might feel sad but I am sure the 80s German must have been really happy. Each person has strong reasons for entering into marriage, could be sex, money, fame, dreams, beauty, youthfulness, prestige, security, family support, aging care, insurance, political power, business influence, personal satisfaction, trophy, buying power, artistic pursuits, travel, early retirement, multiple properties, work freedom, means of escape, companionship, easy life, upgrade, comfort, convenience, bright future, …. there is just a lot of reasons other than love. Besides love is always taken as having more than having less or without. Each person has its own reasons. But the test is at what price one has to pay. For love till death but so is stupidity, I guess.
I mean you cannot have everything because there is always trade-off. We just get used to win-win cycle, he is happy on something and she is happy on another thing.
Re #12. “there will be cases of abuses”
Right. Whether or not the husband is a foreigner, that can happen. Right here in the Philippines, it happens everyday and media always make a big show of these battered wives.
Re #13. “O, ikaw, kelan mo makukuha ang mana ng asawa mo?”
Wow, talk about being mercenary. I just have no other word for it. Mercenary.
d0d0ng, re”there is just a lot of reasons other than love”
Even love is multi-dimensional. There is just no singular definition for it. And one definition does not render other definitions invalid.
When a poor woman from a third world country marries a foreigner, rightly or wrongly, it is seen as something to do with the economic situation of the woman than in its emotional component.
Some may find it repugnant, mail order bride or similar to it. Some may justify its practicality and others may pontificate about the moral and the psychological dimension of the whole thing and oppose it.
Do we belong to those category that treat marriage to foreigners with disdain and apathy? Do we agree with those who support the necessity of it. Or are we with those who see the issue as a moral and spiritual question?
@lemon
akala ko ako lang naiirita when i see relatives wail on tv “paano na kami” “sya lang pag-asa namin” or something like that.
haaay…
I am a Filipina living here in Germany and this topic really strikes home. I went here by choice, leaving a good career in Manila to be able to be with the person I know deep in my heart is the one for me. When I was still roaming the malls of Manila, I used to cringe at the sight of a foreigner holding hands with a Filipina with long hair and questionable taste in fashion. The first question that pops up in my head is “totoo ba yan or pera lang?”
Sometimes I am at the receiving end of those “looks” despite making an effort to look decent when I step out of my house. I used to be defensive and say “I’m not one of THEM!” But now, I’ve relaxed. Other people’s thoughts are not my business anyway.
I’ve met up with a few Filipinas married to Germans learning German (we are all required by law to study the language). Some of their stories are really sad and I know some of them didn’t have any choice at all. Mahirap talaga ang buhay sa Pilipinas. What else can they do to escape poverty from the Philippines? Some are lucky enough that their relationships actually grow into love and that the guys turn out decent. Some not so much. What irks me is that there really isn’t a good support group for Filipinas in bad situations without being recruited by a church. It’s the way some people deal with things I guess.
Hi Ching. Re “there really isn’t a good support group for Filipinas in bad situations without being recruited by a church.” And there’s always the presumption that they are being “redeemed” after committing a huge sin. Sad.
to Ching- There are a number of filipa groups in germany- there’s the Philippine Women’s Forum – which is a sort of advocacy group and have links to other groups working with Filipina women. In Cologne, there is the Philippine Service under Caritas (and from what I’ve heard, they’re not recruiting souls…very professional). And there’s also the Migrants’ Forum. You can also google Philnetz- it’s an internet forum where many stiff are dicussed and debated.
sorry- many stuff are discussed ..(can’t imagine stiffs being discussed..he,he,he)
Often, marriages between Filipinas and foreigners (Americans in particular) end up blissfully. On rare occasions, however, one hears sad stories of Filipinas marrying Americans that’s reminiscent of an episode in “CSI” (a CBS crime drama television series that unveil the circumstances behind mysterious and unusual deaths).
I’m reminded of a case that happened years back when an American hunk married a Filipina- who later “disappeared” under mysterious circumstances and whose remains were later found.
When police pieced together the puzzle surrounding the Filipina’s death, it turned out that – prior to her wife’s disappearance- the husband bought a huge insurance policy on the Filipina with him as the sole beneficiary.
Indeed, while many Filipinas think that marriage to foreigners is a form of “liberation” from poverty, some fall prey to abuse and tragedy.
Mandy, that’s NOT CSI but, rather, Crime & Investigation TV (Cold Case episode “Till Death Do us Part”). And you’re referring to the case of Emily (Emelita, Emilita) for whose murder her husband Jack Reeves was convicted for. Related entries here and here.
Panera Connie,
Mea maxima culpa. Yes, I mixed up the two TV series.
It seems that many Filipina girls now want to marry foreigners for a quick and easy way to get out of poverty. This makes us native Pinoys get insecured. I mean, we can’t get some of the pretty Pinays because they’re too busy looking at the foreigner guys…
I am married to American but when I married him all my siblings are established and successful in their chosen field. I remember my uncle freak out when I told him that I’m getting married and he’s an american hahahahaha!!! Nobody from my family ever ask money. Even before we get married I never ask anything from him and on his third time to visit me it was my mom who pay for the air fare as a gift for me because she sold one of her property.
Maybe there are some who wants to marry foreigner because of the wrong reason but it is their decision. I marry my hubby for LOVE and not for money. We’re not rich but he gives me everything I need.
No prob, Mandy. Just FYI.
Loy, instead of looking at the pretty faces, perhaps, Pinoy men ought to be looking for other and worthier traits.
Good for you, Claudine.
Thanks Ms. Connie. I would like to share when I attend CFO seminar way back in 2006. There was a teenager attending the seminar I thought she was with the pregnant lady but it turn out she was a fiancee of an American and she was only 15 for cyring out loud! To make the story short pinauwi at pinakukuha ng parental consent! There is nothing wrong in marrying a foreigner pero naman 15 years old ipapakasal ng magulang eh may gatas pa sa labi yun!!!
In Melbourne, there’s a bridge behind the Federation Square where in they put some plastic boards and on them relates the history of immigrants from each country where they came from. While other countries shows they migrated as skilled professionals, the filipinos are mentioned as mail-order brides. No other thing just went to Australia to marry off.
Claudine, sad to say but many parents consider their children as business opportunities. Just look at how parents push very young kids to join TV contests. WHen they’re older, it’s beauty contests. And it’s not like those contests build character broaden horizons. Often, they’re just stepping stones toward showbiz which is perceived as the ultimate business opportunity.
Jenny, those plastic boards… a government project?
i think so. it’s a tourist attraction and each part of the bridge showcase the board with the written immigrants history. Kind of embarrassing nga, kasi it is in alphabetical order, most of the others says like japan, they migrated as engineers, doctors and as skilled workers. then when i reached p- pinas, mail-order bride (forgot the term they used pero kind of like that)= nyak!
no offense sa iba, but i felt a tad insecure about my lahi after reading that.
That’s unfair. Not all Pinoys in Oz went there as mail-order brides. Can you send a pic? Perhaps, I can forward it to the DFA?
Sorry got no pics on that when i went on tour. Maybe those some commenters can help on this one.
oo naman, marami ring professionals na pinoy. but i guess they based their facts on the early filipino immigrants, cause they have printed the year when they started coming.
Thanks, Jenny. I’ll try and search the web. Hope someone took a photo and posted it online.
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