Sometimes, you spend days planning on doing something at a specific date then you wake up on the appointed day and everything is all wrong.
Today was reserved for shoe shopping. Shoes, for Sam’s graduation. She wanted to see a movie too. I wasn’t too hot about the movie part because we’ve been having a bad run with movies lately. One bad movie after another beginning with The Spirit that I really wished got spirited into oblivion before it hit the local screens. But with or without the movie, we were going out today.
Then, Alex woke up with a bad cold. Two hours later, the cold turned into a fever. Both house helpers were out and I told Sam I couldn’t leave Alex by herself. I suggested she and her father go shoe shopping together and that was when she started throwing tantrums. Alex, on the other hand, as she always is when she’s sick, didn’t want me out of her sight. She started whining.
So, what was I to do? Sam needed new dress shoes. From Monday to Friday, she’ll be having rehearsals from 8.00 a.m. until 6.00 p.m. and there’s no way we can still manage to go out to buy shoes after she comes home from school.
But what about Alex? You don’t leave a sick kid alone in the house. That’s stupid.
Had this happened four or five years ago, I would have insisted right there and then that someone make some sacrifice. But I’ve learned. Never push an issue when people are upset. So what did I do?
Fortunately, the house helpers arrived a little after noon. Good. That meant Alex didn’t have to left alone in the house. But I still didn’t want to be away for too long. A couple of hours while she napped was okay but no longer. Definitely no movie. Just the shoes and a quick trip to the grocery and that’s it.
I went down to the kitchen and started cooking lunch. Never mind that Sunday is Speedy’s turn to cook day. I had a game plan and I hoped it would work.
I decided that lunch would be fish ‘n’ chips and a nice soup. Alex loves fries and Sam likes soup with every meal. But I’d make everything super special. The fish was cooked a la tempura with super light and crisp coating. Instead of tartar sauce, I asked Speedy to mix mayo and ketchup. Comfort food. Kids’ food.
By lunch time, everyone had calmed down. Alex was feeling a little better. I asked her if she felt okay enough so we could go out and buy Sam’s shoes. And she said yes. Great. I was halfway done. When Sam raised the movie issue, I said we couldn’t. Just the shoes, no movie. I wanted to shout Hellelujah! when she didn’t raise hell. Instead, she asked if we could pass by Astrovision to buy some DVDs. I said yes. Problem solved.
An hour later, we were on our way to the mall. Sam was happy with her new Hush Puppies and a copy of The Grudge. Some three hours later, we were back home. Alex was feeling a bit better but to make it up to her I said we could sleep in the Blue Room tonight, she and I.
What’s my point? When things go wrong and kids start throwing tantrums, it isn’t smart to get upset and start having a tantrum yourself. Most parents start asserting their authority by raising their voices and saying, “Don’t you use that tone with me” or “Don’t you dare slam the door” or “Don’t you walk out when I’m talking to you.” That’s feeding the flames. Keep your distance and give them time to let off some steam. Everyone gets upset. Children get upset and they are entitled to express their anger and frustration. Let them. Then, set the perfect stage to get everything right. Perhaps, a great lunch. Perhaps, some other thing. In my case, the moment I got them to sit down to lunch together, I knew I already had the upper hand. The rest was a matter of negotiation. The result? A win-win situation for everyone.
Galing naman Ms Connie. I hope I can be as good a negotiator as you are
Hay, it took a lot of learning. There was a time when I would collide with them in anger — head on!
learned that trick with hubby and daughter early on. they both have the same tantrums… let them get off their steam, say your piece and give them food (talking and feeding interval must be short tho). it really works!
Yah, I really think the key is to get them to relax first. No one negotiates well when upset. It just ends up in a screaming and crying match.
How true. It has to start with something that warms the tummy
I remember my late mother was fuming mad over my brother (who by the way came home after 3 days of hiatus) Knowing my mom’s propensity to nag the whole day, I offered to drive her for lunch at one of her favorite restaurants.
A bowl of dinuguan and puto did the trick. Mom was one happy camper.
By the way, catsup mixed with mayo is perfect. Goes well with anything, and surely loved by kids.
Also, congrats to Sam. My friends and I have been making chismis over your family. We are awaiting if it’s a car or dorm life for the panganay…abangan….
LOL! More like… commute? hehehe We don’t know yet.
Over the years, I have learned the same strategy too. My second son is a complainer. Before, I would collide head on with him. Pero ngayon, I just let him fume out and after a while, biglang tatahimik na lang tapos, lalapitan ako, “Ma, anong ulam?” hahaha! Parang walang nangyari, chummy chummy na naman kami.
It’s emotionally exhausting din kasi na sabayan pa yung galit ng bata. Talo ka rin in the long run, di ba?
Ms. Connie, wow, I am you five years ago, esp. with a cantankerous 4-year-old and parang-mga-pako-na-househelp. sigh. Perhaps it is time to learn your strategy instead of reacting ora mismo, which I am wont to do.
Ganda siguro ng shoes ni Sam.
Ang mahal nung shoes.
So true! It takes a mountain of patience, but trying to work things out peaceably is worth the effort.
hahahaha I just ignored the tantrums and after awhile they would just give up — worked every time.
Congratulations!
I hope more people learn to solve some problems this way. It’s not about who’s in control or who has the power, but how to simply get from Point A to Point B without unwieldy compromises.
Sadly, the traditional concept of parenthood and how parental authority ought to be exercised precludes more amiable ways of dealing with such situations. Culture still frowns at parents who don’t berate/punish kids for expressing anger at them. Like, it’s total disrespect. Like parents allowing it are weak.
It is disrespectful and it annoys me to no end to see kids acting that towards their parents. A sense of shame is not a bad thing sometimes.
Shame in expressing a natural emotion?
Shame in being downright disrespectful to your parents. They deserve respect regardless of the situation or provocation, don’t you agree?
You know, for me respect is earned. Whether you’re a parent or a teacher or a child or a government official. Respect doesn’t go with a title or a social role. It’s personal.
hi ms. connie… i was searching for a recipe but ended up reading ur article as it really caught my attention coz i must admit im guilty of throwing tantrums when my child throws his tantrums… really made a big impact on me… thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and strategies on this…