Sam and Alex started school at the same time. When Sam entered nursery school, Alex went to pre-nursery. Sam was 3; Alex was 2. Sam was excited about school and she did not cling to me nor demanded that I stay. Alex cried the moment I was out of sight. I stayed during the first two days, not inside the classroom but in the waiting area. On the third day, I dropped them off, went home and came back a few hours later to pick them up. It was the most difficult thing to do — walk away while my baby was crying AND knowing that the only way to make her stop was to stay. But it paid off. In two days, she was comfortable in her pre-nursery class, tearless and bursting with stories when I came to pick them up.
There were two reasons why I found it insane to stay in school with them. One, there was no one to prepare their lunch and they were almost always famished after classes. The school was a five-minute walk away from our house and the wise thing to do was to walk home, cook and prepare everything they needed after classes.
The second reason was that I did not feel comfortable sitting in the waiting area with the other mommies. They were nice women, really. It’s just that you sit with all those mothers — and I did that for two days — and the conversation always seemed to be a contest on whose child was the best with the mostest. Like… okay, an illustration.
I’m not a talkative person around strangers, okay? So, I sat down, a bit removed from the groupings, a mommy came over, engaged me in small talk and asked about my kids. Could they converse already? Oh, yes, Sam started talking at one-year-and-two-months; Alex, a bit later. She asked and I was being friendly and polite. Then, she started… anything I said, she would say something that her kid was better. Well, not really better. More like… Okay, when I mentioned that Sam was rather difficult to bottle feed, she said her kid was even more difficult to bottle feed. When I said that Sam preferred table food to milk, she assured me that no other child enjoyed table food more than her kid did. You get the picture.
So, I was bored and exasperated and I was sorely tempted to say both my kids have six fingers on both hands wondering if she’d brag that her kid had seven fingers on each hand. I finally said, “Both my daughters were born prematurely — Sam at 8 months; Alex at 7.” And I waited for her to say her kid was born at 5 or 6 months. Of course, she didn’t. And I excused myself, walked out of the gate and smoked a string of cigarettes.
The next day, it was another mommy and the line of conversation was not much different. On the third day, like I said, I went home.
I mean, gosh, so we mommies love our babies and we’re so proud of them but can’t we be proud without bragging about them especially when there is not even the slightest provocation?
If you’ve read Amy Tan’s The Joy Luck Club (or seen the film), there was a scene where a mother was walking home with her chess-champion daughter. The mother had a magazine on her chest with the daughter’s photo on the cover. She was calling out the attention of people on the street, even total strangers, to point out that that was her daughter on the magazine cover, the girl whose hand she was holding, and she was a chess champion. The little girl finally pulled her hand away, told her mother to stop doing that because it was embarrassing. The mother flared up, demanding if she meant she was embarrassed to be her daughter. The little girl ran away and did not come home until dinner time when she announced she would never play chess again.
I read The Joy Luck Club when I was pregnant with Sam. It’s one of those books where every scene becomes forever etched in one’s memory. And every time I meet a mother like those two mothers at the kids’ nursery school, and lord knows I’ve met more than hundred members of their cult since then, I always think of that scene from Amy Tan’s novel.
I’m sure it’s a psychological issue — like some mothers need reassurance that their kids are the best. It’s not enough that they are the best in their eyes; they take so much trouble to convince everyone else. Is it the emptiness of their lives that drives them to bloat their children’s achievements and circumstances? There is the mother who will monopolize conversations with stories about her kids’ achievements (achievement being a very relative and subjective term in her case since she talks as though it is an achievement for her kid to get invited to a rich classmate’s house). There is the mother who keeps saying that her daughter is the most popular girl in class (and who can contradict her when we don’t know anyone in that school except her daughter). And there is the mother who…
More than once, my own kids have asked me why I never returned the “favor” and talk about them in such a way that it would be like slapping the faces of those mothers, like, hey you think that’s an achievement? Listen to what my kids do… But that would be stooping to their level, so I don’t. I mean, it’s great to share stories about our kids. Mothers can even learn from each other. It’s fun to laugh about our kids’ antics. But for a mother to talk like her kid is the best thing since the invention of the Internet and we should accept that as fact without doubt, without question… Gee.
I was going to say I’d always brag about my children, but after reading, I guess I could honestly say, not competitively. I mean, I’ve talked with mothers who sound like everything is a contest and I hate that. I will respect anybody enough to recognize that their children might be the apple of their eyes, pero pang-contest? Wag na nila isama mga anak ko. I don’t need to convince somebody else for me to believe my children are gifted. The kids aren’t probably even in the same league.
I never made tambay in my kids’ school either. The school doesn’t encourage it din naman. Buti na lang. But I’ve met some of “those” moms several times. Wala din akong pasensya sa ganyan, nakikinig na lang ako. One time,though, I met a mom who was bragging that her kid was the easiest to feed. Noticed kasi that my kids were on the “healthy” side kaya nag-umpisa na siya. Lahat daw ng pagkain kinakain daw ng anak nya..blah blah blah….so I said, my kids don’t eat fastfood and will only eat pasta if it’s done without ketchup/hotdog and will only eat cheese it’s blue or if it stinks. Pasalamat siya di ako bad mood
i never last a day sitting in my son’s pre-school’s waiting area. he he. for the very reasons na grabe kuwentuhan ng mga mommies dun. i am not talkative in front of strangers as well. tapos pa they always assume na i have a husband. banatan ka pa ng wal ka bang balak sundan anak mo. hello! i hate always explaining myself. after that takbo na ako sa nearest net shop balik na lang pag uwian na. pero now hindi na kailangang samahan si raine. yung service niya na cousin ko yung na lang hatid at sundo.
ewan ko ba ang turo kasi sakin, you need not brag about your children, kasi daw if your child is really special and an achiever in school, other people will recognize that. siyempre because we are mothers we can’t help but be proud of our kids, but like what another commenter here said, not in a competitive way na para bang “bulagaan” na wala yan sa anak ko…
mommy m, exactly. for every mom, her kids are the best. but that’s a mom’s bias and we shouldn’t impose it on others, ‘di ba? some mommies can really be so aggressive about these things, parang advertising their kids. minsan, ako nanliliit for their kids the way the go about it.
Kongkong, have you experienced moms who like to brag about the number of bottles of milk their kids consume and the number of diapers they use everyday? Naku, grabe, kahit yata anong subject gagawing contest ng ibang nanay.
Gloria, naku, ‘yan pa isa. Yung sundan ang anak, is that the concern of strangers? I mean, that’s too forward but in Filipino culture that is something soooo ordinary, parang, how’s the weather, dear?
Reminds me of the running gag in Eat Bulaga about “ang lolo ko…” Seems like we’re mostly guilty of bragging about people dear to us. And sometimes, just to make the others shut up.
You remind me of my mother.
She leaves right after dropping us off in school even if that meant being in the office half an hour earlier than she’s supposed to be. Ayaw niya kasing magsayang ng oras na makipagkwentuhan sa ibang mga nanay na wala naman daw ginawa kundi yun nga, ipagmalaki ang kanilang anak. Tanong nga niya sa akin when I was in high school (yep meron akong classmates na binabantayan pa din nung high school): Don’t they have better things to do with their lives than hang around your school and be unproductive the whole day?
I watched “The Joy Luck Club” at a time when I was having problems with my own mother so that movie is something memorable to me (I must have watched it 5 times).
As for staying in the school’s waiting area, I too don’t but its because I have work. But on my time off, I still don’t stay and instead just drop my son off and pick him up after school. I remember one such mom who kept trying to pull me into a conversation about her child. But its different in such a way as she asks if my kid does this and that because her child doesn’t. Or if my kid eats this or that, does he speak already, sleep alone, play with the other kids because all of that her kid doesn’t do. Made me uncomfortable actually.
I too never had the inclination to stay and wait for my preschool kids along with the other moms. Buti na lang our house is just a 6 minute drive away. On one occasion that I had to stay, one mom engaged me in a conversation in which she was badmouthing another mom. On another occasion, I overheard some moms badmouthing our kids’ advisor.
Made me think all the more that I made the right decision to stay away …
At hindi lang anak ang kelangan magaling ha. Pati sarili nila kelangan angat. One comic and classic example was when a mom who is a doctor came to school wearing her lab gown — and stayed to watch the flag ceremony (so there was clearly no emergency). Goodness! I thought they’re supposed to wear that in the clinic or hospital to cover their clothes and make sure that they are sterile when they come into contact with patients. Muntik ko na itanong kung may medical mission sa school e.
Sarap sana magtaray kung di ko lang iniisip mga bata…
SO true. I often avoid the “pick-up” area because inevitably there will be some uncomfortable exchange as to what so and so is doing and how grand it is. I have adopted the “smile and nod” for most of those occasions but am so lucky that my son’s circle of friends and their parents are so great. The yuk times mainly occur in the extra curriculum places like tutoring or music when you dont really know the parents or their kids but they see you enough and maybe its the only way they can break the ice? I dont know, but it is something I often ponder and try to avoid!
Ria, high school binabantayan? Grabe, sobrang over! Talagang wala nang magawa yung mga nanay na yun.
ApplesH, you know, maybe it’s not so much about whether moms have the time — it’s more of giving the kids a chance for a little independence.
Lee, anak ng tokwa, so the school is an arena for showing off… I’m trying to imagine the mom you described and I can’t wipe the smirk off my face.
Houseonahill.org, re “smile and nod”. Oooohh, if I only knew how to keep a poker face, but I don’t. Had I attempted to “smile and nod”, it would have come out as “smirk and nod.” LOL
Being a teacher, I have met these mothers in different shapes, shades and sizes.
When i was a new teacher, i used to dread those PTC because I would hear about how great their kids are and yada-yada. They think I of all people, ought to know since I am (used to be) single and they know better.
One of the worse are those who put price tags to what they buy for their kids. “Hay naku, ayaw ko sana bilhan kasi kakabili lang namin ng shoes last week, ayun, binilihan ng ama ng sapatos. Ke mahal-mahal na sapatos, PhPso-and-so”
Julie, if you stay in the waiting area, hindi lang price ng sapatos and topic. Minsan, para talagang “ang lolo ko…” I think it’s a manifestation of the bored housewife syndrome.
its not good to brag about their child’s achievement all the time. I believe its their bored hw syndrome.
Funny, it’s the complete opposite at my son’s school. First of all, the carpool works differently that any other school. Instead of usual “drive-through process” wherein you wait your turn and drive up to the designated area where they hand you your child, we have designated parking spaces that we keep for the entire school year. There is a “No Idling” policy because “small lungs are at work” and “No Cellphones” allowed. Because of these, and the fact that the parking lot closes 5 minutes before dismissal, all parents must be in their spots with their engines off. What do we do? We all congregate and talk. It is the most amazing thing to see — all these parents out of their cars talking to each other. Now here’s the clincher: we, the parents, have never EVER talked about our kids’ accomplishments during these times. Ever. We talk about ourselves, what we did the past weekend, which movie or public park to take our kids to next, what we’re having for dinner, what birthday parties we have to attend this weekend, etc. It is the MOST AMAZING thing. We congregate because since most of us are all stay-at-home moms (or dads) we are dying to have adult conversations. We spend so much time with our kids already that the last thing we want to talk about is, well, our kids. I look forward to dismissal time each and every day and most of us even arrive 30 minutes to an hour early so that we can have adult conversations with each other. I love my son’s school. Love it!
Now that, purplegirl, is what I’d call taking the opportunity for some truly stimulating adult conversation. Perhaps, it’s a culture thing. Even at children’s parties, this my kid is the bestest with the mostest conversations are prevalent. Makes me sick to my stomach.