I’m away for the weekend and it’s something I decided on the spurt of the moment. Remember when I wrote about how important it is for me to have my alone time, even for just a few minutes everyday? Sometimes, a few minutes isn’t enough. I hit a snag somewhere, I was on a constant state of lethargy, I couldn’t write and couldn’t think straight… I was just drifting through the days and nights. I don’t know if you can understand it but the best way I can describe the feeling is getting trapped inside my head.
The truth is, I haven’t gone on a vacation without my family for almost 18 years. Ever since Speedy and I got married, and we had Sam less than a year after that and Alex less than a year and a half later, I’ve never gone anywhere without them. I never went on vacation without them. I travelled everywhere with the girls. The only trips I took were family trips. Except for work. The out-of-town and out-of-the-country trips I ever took without them in almost 18 years were work related so they don’t really count as leisure. It’s different with Speedy who has had his share of company-paid leisure trips in and out of the country. But me? Nada. Even Speedy and I? We’re never gone anywhere by ourselves in all these years. Unless you count the times we saw movies after office in those years when we were both still working.
It’s not that I resent having to be with them every time I go on vacation. I love travelling with Speedy and the girls. All the trips we took had been fun. At least, for the most part. I can’t remember one where we didn’t have a good time. Well, okay, the Bicol trip was something of a disaster but we still managed to have a good time. And even that time we drove home from Baguio and got stranded for six hours in flashfloods in Tarlac, we managed not to lose our sense of humor.
But family trips and vacations are a series of decisions to make sure that everyone else is comfortable and having a good time. Where you stay, where you eat, where you go, what you do… everyone has to have his say in all these things. And, sometimes, there’s that feeling that you just want to burst out and do something that does not require you to consider anyone else but you.
Two months ago, when a friend asked if I wanted to join them on a Southeast Asian cruise, I never hesitated. I said yes. It’s not cheap but, hell, I’ve worked so hard for so long. I deserve it. I’ve earned it. The girls aren’t babies nor toddlers anymore. And it’s only for nine days. So, I’ll be away for nine days in November. I thought I could wait until then to have all that time of not having to think about anyone else but me. But I couldn’t. I need a break. Now. I’ll admit that something triggered the decision but I’m not going to feel guilty about wanting to be on my own for a weekend. It’s either I have MY weekend or I might make some horrible judgment calls that we’ll all be sorry for later.
Still, you know, there’s that nagging feeling that not everyone’s happy that I’m having my weekend off. Not that anyone’s really said anything. At least, not in so many words. Just a text message here and there. And I started wondering if what I’m doing is, in fact, not not an act of selfishness. But it’s something that should NOT even enter my head. The rational side of me knows it isn’t true. I’m not being selfish — I’m just being nice to myself and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
But the irrational side of me makes me feel uncomfortable. And I need to articulate exactly why. Because that’s how I resolve issues. Because that’s how I think things through. I write.
See, I’m now wondering whether I grew up with the subconscious thought that being nice to myself is being selfish. I was raised a Catholic. I’ve gone agnostic as an adult but things you grow up with are not that easy to shake off. In a culture where sacrifice and martyrdom are considered the most noble of values, I wonder if I wasn’t raised to believe — although probably in ways that were never directly said — that a mother who does nice things for herself is a selfish mother.
I think of all the comments I’ve ever heard about “good” mothers. From friends. From relatives. In literature. In pop entertainment. And it just seems to me that what is referred to as the ideal mother — ang ulirang ina — is a stereotype of a woman whose every act is a sacrifice. No, sacrifice is not ever accurate. It’s a stereotype of a woman whose every act is a voluntary infliction of suffering on herself, a deprivation, in order to do a good deed for her family. Why?
WHY? Why this sense of masochism? Shades of our Catholic culture that tells us that because we’re made in God’s image, we should all lead a life of sacrifice the way Jesus did? That we should exult with the suffering? Glory in the pain?
Well, not me. NOT ME. I’m away for the weekend, I’ve resolved the issue inside my head and I’m going to enjoy the rest of my alone time.
Hi Ms. Connie, enjoy your weekend.
And you are not alone with those desires to be with one one’s self. I dont have children but I occasionally feel the need to escape and just be with myself. I guess it’s something that everyone should give themselves in order to achieve balance in life.
Geez Connie, give yourself a break, don’t feel guilty. It’s completely normal here in Europe to go off alone on vacation without your family. My husband has his nights out (sometimes week or weekend pa) with the boys, and I also go on vacation by myself or with friends without my husband.
I learned to not be a martyr here in Germany, because you are not doing anybody any favors. You aren’t pleasing yourself, you will resent your family,and they will resent you back because martyrs like to make a big deal of their martyrdom. So go ahead and enjoy the cruise! I hope this whole thing of your family making “parinig” is only in your head, because of your upbringing.
Am glad Speedy is game enough to allow you
It’s fine to have our alone time, else we get to lose a good grip of ourselves.
& then come back refreshed and inspired!
I wonder if they’re parinig is a combination of “Will you be ok/safe on your own?” and “What are we going to do while you’re gone for x number of days?” You don’t strike me as the martyr type, so hopefully you can quell those inner voices with a firm mental hand and have a glorious time on the cruise in November.
You deserve it….go girl and have fun.You’ll feel rejuvenated
when you come back.
Going out with girlfriends whether it’s lunch,shopping together or traveling is heaven.It’s different laughing with
them,sharing stories and simply acting silly.
“Ulirang Ina”….Whatever…Just go on a cruise.Life is too
short…enjoy! Speedy can cook for himself.hehehehe
Oh, the trip sounds exciting. Have fun!
I can so relate. Alone time is what I badly need too. Right now.
Have fun, Connie!
Connie:
Where I work, what you are about to do is summed up in two short sweet words: self-care. You’ve done wonderfully all these years in all aspects of your life, and I had the pleasure and privilege of reading your posts! You are an exquisitely generous soul, and it manifests in your writing. You give us something to smile about, learn from and ponder through your blogs. You deserve the break. You have become aware of your need to spend time with yourself. Time alone is time well-spent, if it feeds your need to nourish your being, if it takes to remind you of the significance of remaining in the here and now. Go ahead and enjoy your time alone as you see fit. A well-deserved and much-needed break will nourish, enhance and invigorate you. At the end of each day, it is worth asking ourselves, after taking care of others, if we have done enough to take care of ourselves. Own your moment of solitude and you will certainly find that life looks fresher after a pause,whether brief or sustained. Enjoy!!
Ano ba Connie, Christ rested after the temptation of lucifer. Even the pope goes on a yearly 2 week vacay as well.
You deserve the “me time alone” although feeling ko me dala kang bote ng Baileys sa bag mo!
Ang pictures don’t forget to post.
Teka paano yung food ng dalawa?
Enjoy your vacation. hope that when you get back, you feel refreshed and rejuvenated. time alone is not selfish. we all need to be alone for a while, just to step back and assess the situation from an objective point of view and when the mom is well-rested, it would show in how you take care of your family; have a great vacation! take care!
Miss connie, alone time is GOOD for ones BODY and SOUL… Don’t feel guilty. Sometimes, we mothers think that the running our house will collapse without us around.. But think that your kids will be MORE INDEPENDENT and RESPONSIBLE( not that i think that they are not mind you ). It’s like training them to be more self reliant..
I hope you enjoyed your ALONE tIME and you will be back more refreshed…
I’m back. And thank you all for being so very supportive.
I heard that Sam cooked omelet with cream cheese and Alex washed all the utensils that she used. LOL
But Speedy did most of the cooking. It’s hilarious listening to the recount of their menu while I was away hehehe
Ms. Connie, time alone has been foremost on my and other mommy friends’ minds recently. You’ve inspired me to take some alone time too. Just to get rid of the desire to scream sometimes. LOL. Boy, weeks and weeks of getting home from court duty and a lot of BS in the office only to take care of the kids can get overwhelming.
Carpe diem, Ms. Connie.
Do it LOL You can’t imagine what a weekend can do for you. Am so looking forward to the cruise. And I just wish that I can impart the great feeling to everyone.
And you are so lucky for having an open- minded husband…
Welcome back, Connie! And you sure sound like you are recharged, er… super recharged!
Yep, super recharged is a perfect description hehehehe Imagine how I’ll be after the cruise. LOL The words will be literally oozing out of my fingertips.