A couple of days ago, Speedy and I were watching a TV program on Bio Channel about a man and his daughter who were reunited after many, many years. The father and his wife separated when the girl was just a toddler, both eventually remarried, and the mother refused to allow any contact between father and daughter. The mother even went to the extent of having the girl’s surname changed by having her legally adopted by her second husband.
It wasn’t only until the girl turned 18 and was looking for work and she was finally confronted with her birth certificate that she learned that her father was someone else. She hired a professional to search for her father. When the father was found, he relayed how he had sought to reach out to the girl years ago but the mother wouldn’t let him. Even gifts sent by his sisters, the girl’s aunts, were always returned unopened.
I commented that it must have been a very bitter separation to make the mother react that way. And all those years too. But what caused the separation was never revealed and I suppose that was really irrelevant insofar as the TV show was concerned. The only goal was to reunite father and daughter.
In a pensive mood, Speedy asked, “Paano kung may anak pala ako bago tayo nagkakilala… ano gagawin mo (What if I had another child before we met… what would you do)?”
I replied, “Una muna, sasampalin kita (First, I’d slap you).”
Before I could say ‘Then, I will throw you out’, he shook his head and said, “Hindi, hindi. Hindi ko alam dati eh. Ngayon ko lang nalaman (No, no. I didn’t know before. I just found out).”
And the lawyer took over, “I’ll file for a petition for a complete separation of properties. Because, mark my words, your child by another woman would never receive financial benefits from me. It is my daughters’ interests that I will protect. Theirs and only theirs.”
“Pero papayag kang magkita kami (But you would allow us to see each other)?”
“Why not? I’m not a monster. It’s not the child’s fault. Why should he or she be denied knowing his or her father?”
“Actually, there is no child by another woman.”
Of course, I knew that. But that conversation gave me an opportunity to visualize scenarios and plan out courses of action. Just for exercise, really. So, let’s say you’re a wife and mother and your husband just confessed that he has learned that he has a child by another woman. What would you do?
The first thing to find out is the date of birth of the child. If the child was conceived (conceived, not born, okay – they’re different) before you and your husband were married (or before you became an “exclusive” couple), be an adult. No one’s perfect, not even your husband. Think of the child who is an innocent character in what may be an impending tragedy. In short, it isn’t the time – yet – to throw your husband out.
The next thing to determine is how sure your husband is that the child is his. If he is pretty sure, leave it at that. If he isn’t, suggest a DNA test. It’ll be expensive but it’ll save you unnecessary grief relative to the next issue.
What are the circumstances of the sudden discovery and why the silence of the mother all these years? Is it just a FYI kind of thing or is she asking for child support? The DNA test will determine if the child is entitled to support (told you it’ll come out useful). It’s your husband’s legal obligation and there’s really nothing you can do about it. Of course, you or he, or both of you, can be stubborn and insist that no support will be given which will probably lead the child’s mother to file a petition for support. And that may mean incurring horrendous legal fees. So, you multiply the expenses. Not only will you be paying support, you will have to pay your lawyer too.
So, be smart. Determine how much your husband can comfortably afford to pay for support (from his earnings, of course, not from yours) without detriment to you and your children. Then, deal with it. Unless, of course, the “sudden discovery” leads your husband to renew his amorous liaison with the child’s mother. That may entitle you to file criminal charges for adultery and concubinage in addition to seeking an annulment (“psychological incapacity” can be interpreted in many ways, I tell you), and ask for actual, moral and exemplary damages and bleed your husband financially dry before kicking him out with finality. It’s what I’d do.
Now, let’s go back to the child’s date of birth. What if the child was conceived AFTER you and he were married? Worse, what if the child is younger than your firstborn? That changes the scenario tremendously. There is adultery involved and a lot of bad faith. What are your options? It’s just like in the previous paragraph. File criminal charges for adultery and concubinage in addition to seeking an annulment, ask for actual, moral and exemplary damages, take the house, cars, stocks and all investments – in short, get every centavo from your husband before kicking his ass out the door. You can be kind and leave the shirt on his back but that’s it. It’s what I’d do.
Additionally, if your husband is a professional you may file a complaint with the proper professional organization. If he’s a doctor, for instance, go to the Philippine Medical Association to have his license revoked. He’s a lawyer? Go to the the Integrated Bar of the Philippines and have him disbarred. Again, it’s what I’d do. Note that there are professional organizations for engineers, architects, dentists, nurses…
And that’s all the free legal and wifely advice I am willing to give.
Note: Please do not modify the given facts and scenarios in the guise of discussion just to get free legal advice. I’m not giving out more than I already have.
Ay natawa lang ako Ms Connie kasi I was watching the teleserye “Kung tayoý magkakalayo” last night and your scenario with Mr Speedy is just like the scenario of Gabby Concepcion and Maricar Reyes!:)
HAHAHA Drama! Pero, teka, Maricar Reyes as in one of the girls in Hayden Kho’s sex videos?
Yes, that’s her!great guts indeed!The incident didn’t dampen her spirits.She was able to move on and put everything behind her.
Gotta take a peek at that TV show. I don’t really know what she looks like.
she’s good in acting, very versatile maybe thats why she always have new projects, she was in BudBrothers too before and in some movies. she pretty too.
Maricar is also in the new movie of John Lloyd and Bea Alonzo that will be shown this month. I guess her silence about the issue earned more sympathy as opposed to Katrina Halili who is in short of projects lately.
Regarding the post, nakaka-relate ako dito eh. Ako po yung anak ni Speedy. Haha!
HAHAHAHA Ikaw pala! Aba, mestiza nanay mo? HAHAHAHA
Hahaha!
Seriously, nakaka-relate ako kasi I was able to locate my Dad only after 16 years of no communication with him. Then I found out na may legitimate family na sya ulit(?). After reading this post on how you would take or react in this kind of situation and your opinions about it, I somehow wish na sana si Spreedy na lang naging father ko.
No-follow naman ata itong comments section dito diba? Sana wag itong mabasa ng Dad ko. Hahahaha!
No-follow nga. Besides, does your dad read blogs?
Oh yes he does. Techie Lolo yun. Malamang kilala ka nun as MS writer/columnist. Sana wag lang magawi dito. Haha!
Sana Nanay ko techie din. Wouldn’t that save us all a lot of headaches. *Sigh*
hi ms connie. ako din natawa kasi this was the subject of discussion naming mag-asawa, i.e., what if a child of his from another woman was conceived before and after we got married. hinanda ko na sya sa mga maaaring mangyari dahil alam naman nya kung paano ko maghuramentado. LOL.
Scout motto: Be prepared. And women should know what their options are — options na win-win. hehehe
i agree!
re: maricar reyes, she was also in the local version of lovers in paris (piolo pascual & kc concepcion). the few times i watched this teleserye, for me, she was a woman of finesse and knows how to carry herself in a simple and elegant manner. even the way she carried her lines, makikita na she came from a well-bred family talaga.
Ha ha, thanks for the wifely advice Ms Connie. I will bleed my husband dry pag niloko nya ako pag married na kami. But if it was before me, I will give him hell first for not telling me and if mukhang innocent naman pala siya, walang problema.
There’s a very descriptive phrase… Stick the knife in then TWIST hard hehehe
What if it’s the other way around?
I’d give the same advice to the husband.
Kahit dun sa previous posts mo Connie about Speedy, he sounds and looks like he’s very loyal and faithful to you. Keep up the great marriage you have.
P.S. Kelan labas ng Bar Exams? My kuya took it up.
Ms. Connie! I want to meet you someday. I always enjoy reading your posts and the likes…What’d you take nung undgergraduate ka pa? Can’t grasp why most Lawyers took up PolSci. HAHA
*Sam and Alex are gorgeous*
God Bless!
Thanks, Cid. Not Political Science. Philo. I wanted all 33 units of free electives.
Thanks, Cid. Alam ko naman good boy sya.
Re bar exams: I think later this month, Cid. I have a niece (two pa nga yata) who also took it last September.
HEHE. Kuya’s atat na nga. Sana pasado.
Kuya is encouraging me to take up Law. I thought that was suicide..hehe. Di kaya ng powers ko yung perseverance niya para lang yung makapal na books about Law.
Same age pala kami ni Alex. Wohoo. Ms. Connie, i think your daughter’s really gorgeous ;D
Take up whatever your passion is. It’s you who will pursue the profession, after all.
Re Alex: kasi ako kamukha eh
Although mas mataray yata sya.
Subukan lang niya. Tingnan lang niya kundi maging abo ang kanyang langit.
hehehehehe Very picturesque. hehehehehe
I just shared this with my girlfriend to read and she has bookmarked it right away!
HAHAHAHA Ayos! Now, remember to be a good boy always or you’ll end up very broke indeed. hehehe
I have this funny feeling that your girlfriend won’t eventually be your wife.
It would be tragic if it ever come to the point of dissolution of marriage just in case of infidelity (as when the other child conceived after marriage). Actually, the bleeding part (financially) is more of the way to punish the spouse for the indiscretion and less reliable of getting the money needed for the support of dependents. Besides, the spouse can frustrate legal actions including revocation of professional license by merely relocating to another country and start a new life. The worst part is actually dealing with the betrayal that no amount of money or properties can hope to erase the emotional pain that can linger for years.
The question is actually if the marriage is worth saving with a repentant spouse. Because taking it to the cleaners maybe the last resort.
That’s why the option of filing criminal charges is there — to foil plans of leaving the country.
Thanks, I forgot that adultery and concubinage are criminal in the Philippines unlike in western countries.
It is interesting to note that it is hard to know of any Filipinos that have filed criminal charges against philandering spouse. It is almost like a sick joke when you see left and right in the social circles and across the country despite the gravity of criminal offense. It seems that the innocent spouse is not willing to file criminal charges, or they let it up to God based on their faith?
I think most innocent spouses think it is more humiliating to go through the scandal of an adultery or concubinage trial than to simply move on and change partners. Legally, it seems to be that filing criminal charges for adultery or concubinage is one of the most underestimated legal remedies.
That is true, it is really an underestimated legal remedy. And it is path not easy to embrace when the innocent spouse is in the confusing state trying to sort her/his life alone.
I just read in the Philippine e-legal forum by certain Atty Fred that criminal charges cannot go forward when the innocent spouse pardons the offender. This include an IMPLIED pardon which is very common. That is when the offender continues to live in the family house after having the infidelity known to the innocent spouse. Just this alone, the innocent spouse is cheated of her/his legal remedy.
Yep, implied pardon is called CONDONATION and it bars filing of criminal charges. And in adultery and concubinage, both the guilty spouse and the paramour have to be charged.
Imagine a wife who is totally financially dependent on the husband. WOuld she dare walk out? Would she dare live elsewhere and bring up their children on her own? She wouldn’t. So she stays in the conjugal home. And condonation kicks in.
Hi! i’ve just been practicing a few years, but i’ve actually been in court while cases of adultery or concubinage were being tried (actually nasa early stages pa lang, nagse settle pa nga yata about the support). The parties didn’t appear all that well-off to me, so maybe the criminal charges option weighs more there. I mean, maybe the social/scandal aspect weighs less than the financial support aspect.
Tell the truth, I was a little bit surprised that people really brought criminal charges. haha
Well, some hurt spouses can get really vindictive.
And the option to move one and change partners is also a terrible idea.
There is story of “David Scott and his pregnant Filipina partner Cynthia, spent a New Year in a rat infested prison cell.”
The original offender, Cynthia’s husband filed adultery to get money from the foreigner to drop the charges.
The only sensible option is to have the marriage annulled by psychological incapacity of the offender before one can truly move on.
True. Clean break is what it takes to move on. Marriage is really a piece of contract but it does have psychological and emotional effects. So long as the contract is alive, there are expectations from both spouses.
I seriously need this advice. I’m coping okay. I have my three kids by my side…
3 kids… not yours?
P.S. Ok, get ko na. Ang engs ko minsan hehe
“bleed your husband financially dry” — financially lang?
Good advice pero parang walang for attempts at reconciliations? hehe
Nge. Bad faith na nga eh.
Ang bagsik pala ni Misis LOL.
I don’t think I’ll do those things Ms. Connie. First as a Christian I think I will find it in my heart to forgive my husband and try to reconcile -i know it’s easier said than done- but it will be more for my benefit that I forgive him.
I will file for divorce if I can’t trust him anymore,and after all efforts are exhausted i.e; couseling,and lots of couseling! But to do those things that you suggested above, I don’t think I can……although we never really know what happens when face with those situations in reality.
Well, if you base all your decisions on religious beliefs, that’s your prerogative. I don’t want to make fun of your religiosity but Christianity is responsible for a lot of social problems in the world — including the unchecked spread of AIDS, uncontrolled population growth, children suffering from unwanted pregnancies, persecution of gays…
-from a recently circulated e-mail:
Patulugin daw ang errant husbands with the ff. women:
1. Mrs. Bobbitt (sp.?) – cut off husband’s thingee
2. Ms. Harding – wake up with broken legs
3. Nancy Pelosi – wake up with no medical insurance
“Life is good” daw. Too funny-had to share!
LOL Mrs. Bobbitt sounds good LOL
This post makes me very uncomfortable.
Because? HAHAHAHAHA
hay naku ………Connie……takot na takot na yong mga Dad na me undeclared kids…..jejejejjeje…..in their defense………baket tao lang naman kameng mga boys…….hindi naman masamang ma-inlove a!
Na-in love lang kelangan pang magka-anak? What happened to safe sex and contraception?
Napataas kilay ko. Pero bumaba na.
But I have this impression that most women won’t really consider taking legal action. The default course of action is to take the children and move back in with the parents. Next is to have an informal agreement to not interact again.
Although I’ve been told na dapat talaga may divorce ang Pilipinas like almost all other countries, I never fully understood why. I thought the expressed desire was just because of the gaya-gaya mentality of Pinoys.
@Frenchy-naku sana lang wag magawi ang dad mo dito.hehe!
i once posted a comment here, then nabasa ng friend ng husband ko, then his friend send the link to my my husband kasi yung comment ko daw parang referring to my husband. then my husband asked me if it was me.buti nalang hindi naman masama ang comment ko.
so be careful! it’s a small techie world!
Sana din mabasa ito ng madaming babae.It would save a lot of energy. Almost daily, I get requests for advice on this.
HAHA Ganun kadami may problemang ganyan?
Ms.Connie, yes, ganyan kadami. I would even get requests for advice from an ex, or a friend from way back. Minsan the too personal details make me cringe, hahaha.
Go WOMEN of the world !
HAHAHAHA